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Dark Tower!

Fireball Island will forever be the Mona Lisa of pop-up board games to me (shit, the Mona Lisa of ALL board games), but there were other 3D-type board games like Forbidden Bridge and Dark Tower. Milton Bradley made Dark Tower and apparently it was a big hit when it came out in 1981. It must have been a big hit strictly with the smart nerd crowd because looking at all those game pieces has made whatever is left of my brain deflate. I mean, Go Fish is advanced gameplay to me.

Dark Tower was an electronic role-playing board game where you and other players battled it out by building medieval armies while trying to get the three keys to the Dark Tower. Those keys unlocked the tower and allowed you to destroy the evil that lived inside of it! So, not only was it for smarties but also for Renaissance Faire types who lived for drama. The star of the board was the Dark Tower itself, which looked like a knock-off tiny home version of Castle Grayskull. Wikipedia says that the Tower was basically a feat in technological wonder:

The Tower itself consists of a small membrane keyboard beneath a “display” (a piece of tinted plastic). Behind the display cover is a carousel containing a number of film cels, which, when backlit by one of three lights mounted underneath, display the appropriate picture on the display cover. The display cover also conceals a digital LED display for representing numbers up to 99. As the Tower rotates and illuminates the appropriate cells during gameplay, it also emits sounds for the events represented by each cell.

To really push the mysterious drama of Dark Tower, Milton Bradley got Orson Welles to star in the commercial. While gazing into the deepest part of our souls, Orson Welles uses his magnificent voice to tell us how to play Dark Tower. Something tells me this wasn’t just “a check is a check” situation for Orson, because I can picture him playing Dark Tower and letting out a smoky cackle after defeating the evil inside!

That commercial wasn’t the only dramatic thing about Dark Tower. There was a long messy court battle between Milton Bradley and two independent game makers who pitched a board game to them called Triumph. Triumph also had an electronic tower in it. Milton Bradley rejected that game but then put out Dark Tower. Eventually, Milton Bradley was ordered to pay $737,058 in lost royalties.

Dark Tower was shit-canned by Milton Bradley sometime in the 1980s. But after raising more than $4 million in a Kickstarter campaign, a company called Restoration Games plans to release a sequel to Dark Tower called Return To Dark Tower. And a complete set of the original Dark Tower game goes for up to $600 on eBay.

I never played Dark Tower and I do not plan on starting. Everything already looks like a dick to me so when I look at Dark Tower, all I see is a girthy dildo with a ridged tip. That’s dangerous. And if you knew my hook-up history, you’d know that I’ve had enough evil dick in my life and my b-hole doesn’t deserve that!

Pic: Museum of Play