The HSOTD Hall Of Fame: Fefita La Grande!

Fefita la Grande is a Hot Slut of the Day I will never forget because she helped, without even trying, to teach me a very valuable lesson: Don’t fuck with the Dominican Republic! Before a reader nominated Fefita la Grande for HSOTD in April 2012, I had never heard about the Dominican Queen of the Accordian. But as soon as I laid my eyes on her head-to-toe glamour and took in her piping-hot talents, I instantly fell in love, and making her an HSOTD was a no-brainer. Emphases on “no brain.” Because one morning, I woke up to thousands of emails, and usually, that’s my cue to pull the sheets over my head and go back to sleep. It turns out that a newspaper in the Dominican Republic gave me a serious case of male pattern baldness by grabbing my hair and dragging me for calling their country’s national treasure a Slut. So many Dominicans defended Fefita by tearing me a new one (and not in a sexy way). I was only called a pendejo that much when I changed the music from Menudo to Stacey Q at a family reunion in 1987. Out of all the problematic shit that has poured off my fingertips, that post got me the most outrage.

When I showed my mom the article and some of the emails, she responded, “It’s like calling their abuelita a puta,” before handing me a chancleta to slap myself down with. I wrote to many telling them I didn’t mean it literally and was paying tribute to her, but the damage was done. If only I listened to the words of wisdom from Phoebe Price and re-branded Hot Slut as Hot Babe, this would’ve never happened! The original post is after the cut.

Original HSOTD post from April 7, 2012:

Fefita la Grande, legendary merengue accordionist and the treasured metallic pearl of the Caribbean that pirates have been trying for centuries to capture.

If you asked me a few days ago who Fefita la Grande was, I’d tell you that’s the name my fat uncle would use if he was a competing queen on La Tigresa del Oriente’s Drag Race, but thanks to Dlisted reader Wendy I now know who the one and only Fefita la Grande is. Fefita is considered one of the most prolific female accordionists of all time and she is single-handedly keeping the stripper stores on Hollywood Blvd. in business. I’ll let Wendy explain the magic of Fefita la Grande to you:

Fefita la Grande is one of the most famous performers in the Dominican Republic. She’s 86 years old (note – she was really the perfect age of 69 at the time in 2012) but always dresses like a hoodrat stripper from the 90’s. She’s an ass shaking, accordion playing, tattooed, midriff-showing Nana who claims she was asked to pose for Playboy. No young female entertainers attract more fans or sell more tickets than Fefita la Grande. Fefita has the charm, sex appeal, grace, dance moves and talent that hoes a quarter of her age wish they could have.

When I was a kid, I started playing the accordion (my childhood was obviously directed by Todd Solondz) after my mom bought lessons from an accordion teacher selling bellowy musical dreams door to door. I know, why couldn’t my mom have whored me out in child beauty pageants like a normal parent does.

I quickly became a child star in the accordion world and by that I mean I placed second (out of three) in my age division at the San Gabriel Valley Regionals. I only took second, because the girl who placed third stopped playing halfway through to take a piss. I retired from my non-career as the shittiest accordion player in the game a year or two later, because I realized that my commitment to being lazy was more important to me and my accordion weighed about as much as an average Jessica Simpson fetus. But I would’ve never let go of my accordion (the fart bag of musical instruments) if I knew then that the reigning queen of the accordion kingdom looked and moved like this (note – the original video I posted in 2012 was taken down so this is a replacement):

Every time she hits that air release button, a unicorn queefs. You know you’re looking at a true entertainer when you’re not quite sure if she’s a Maya Rudolph character or not.

Pic: Moises De Pena/Getty