Sam Smith Received A 6-Foot Tall, 2-Ton Marble Penis Statue As A Gift From Ed Sheeran
If you’re friends with Ed Sheeran, it seems like an unsolicited dick statue may be the new unsolicited dick pic. I’m just going to pretend that Ed’s chums got sick of opening his texts only to find his fiery bush and limp fuck parts, so it was time for him to start thinking outside of the box, which led to this brilliant idea: Ed is known among his friends and acquaintances for having big, hard dicks delivered right to their doorsteps, with Sam Smith being the proud new owner of one of the biggest schlong statues yet.
People says that Sam was on The Kelly Clarkson show to promote their new single with Kim Petras, called Unholy, and Kelly pivoted the conversation to Sam’s brand new prick present from Ed.
During an appearance on Tuesday’s episode of The Kelly Clarkson Show, the “Stay with Me” singer-songwriter revealed they received a phallic statue from Sheeran that sits more than six feet tall and weighs over two tons.
“Oh my God… It’s actually wild. I thought it was a joke, but it’s a six-foot-two marble penis,” Smith, 30, told host Kelly Clarkson, who asked for details about the suggestive present. “It’s two tons, and I’m gonna have to get it craned into my house.”
“You can borrow my dick crane!” yelled Tommy Lee. And what are the only logical things to do with an entire human-sized marble dick? Sam and Kelly had the answers.
Regarding Smith’s plans for the statue, they said, “Well, I want to turn it into a fountain, which I think will be hard to do.”
Clarkson, 40, encouraged Smith to name the statue, and they collaborated on suggestions. After passing on “Philip” and “Kevin” — “That reminds me of Home Alone, so it feels a little weird,” said the American Idol alum — the musicians settled on “Duke of Hastings,” a nod to Bridgerton. “Sounds grand and [six-foot-two inches tall],” she quipped.
Here’s Sam and Kelly chatting about The Duke:
But Sam isn’t Ed’s first dick statue donee. Apparently, Ed loves gifting dicks as much as Sam hates Michael Jackson’s music, because Ed has made the girthy gifts his calling card to several of his penis-loving friends, starting with Elton John.
According to the Grammy and Oscar winner, they’re not the only person to receive such a gift from Sheeran, 31. “He gives people concrete penises. I’m not the first — Elton [John] got the first,” explained Smith. (Speaking to 109.9’s Carrie and Tommy Show last year, John said he received “a giant marble penis” from Sheeran and tried to display it in his garden before the idea was shut down by husband David Furnish.)
Australian radio hosts Fitzy and Wippa each unboxed their own yellow and green masterpieces from Ed this summer:
And once James Barr, a British comedian and podcaster, caught wind of the dickliveries, he asked Ed if he could be next on the dick-list; Ed kept his word and sent along sparkly shvantz that James dubbed “Head Sheeran”:
But Sam’s statue definitely seems to be the largest at a whopping 6-foot-2, and I have questions. Is it the closer the friendship, the bigger the dick sculpture? Has Jon Hamm been moonlighting as a mold model for the correct size and scale? How will Sam deter pantsless, hungry tricks from breaking into their home on a horny hunt for a massive dick to mount? Now that Ed’s genital generosity is out, he may have to employ the Beyoncé email-changing strategy he mentioned years ago to avoid a full inbox of statue requests.