Open Post: Hosted By The Cheating Scandal Rocking Fat Bear Week
FAT BEAR WEEK is back, baby! And these babies got back (gargantuan brown bear asses). Every year, thousands of fans go online and vote for Katmai National Park’s fattest, most salmon-packed, pre-hibernation-mode bear. Over the weekend, Vanessa informed us that four-time champ Otis was the odds-on favorite to win. But, personally, she was rooting for Holly (#435). Unfortunately for Vanessa, Holly is out. Even worse, she’s been dragged into a cheating scandal! GASP. Cheating at Fat Bear Week? Is nothing sacred?!
When I heard the words “Fat Bear Week cheating scandal,” my first thought was, “Oh shit, Holly got caught eating fish stuffed with weights.” Cheating scandals collide! But, nope. It doesn’t look like Holly had anything to do with the scandal. But her fans did. Holly went up against Bear 747 in the semi-finals bracket (see header pic). As you can see, both bears are real heifers. And while Holly’s transformation from thin to thick is impressive, 747 is clearly the bigger bear. He weighs about 1,400 pounds.
Holly fans were worried. They love this bitch. She won the title in 2019, has reared several litters of baby bears (some of whom were injured), and even adopted a lone cub into her family. But a schmaltzy backstory doesn’t guarantee a win. So Holly devotees did the unthinkable; they stuffed the online ballot box! Contest organizers immediately figured out something was afoot and discovered more than 7,000 fraudulent votes. After the votes were discarded, 747 was named the winner. He got 37,940 votes. Holly got 30,430. Damn! Here are Katmai National Park’s tweets about the scandal of the century:
🚨🚨🚨FAT BEAR WEEK SCANDAL🚨🚨🚨
Like bears stuff their face with fish, our ballot box, too, has been stuffed.
— Katmai National Park (@KatmaiNPS) October 10, 2022
Stopped by TSA for smuggling salmon, 435 missed her connection while jumbo jet 747 cleared the runway. This capacious cargo carrier cruised to the finals w/ a triumphant tailwind. Go to https://t.co/thJwxpa4kn at 8am AK to vote in 10/10's #FatBearWeek match of fur-ocious females. pic.twitter.com/N7Lag7RcCN
— Katmai National Park (@KatmaiNPS) October 10, 2022
So, Holly’s out and 747 moves on to the next round. Holly fans are pissed. One tweeted that she felt like “storming the national parks on January 6th” to protest the results. Others tweeted, “STOP THE STEAL” and “STOP THE COUNT.” So I guess, in this scenario, Holly is Trump? Bite your tongue, humans. Holly is a hard-working single mom! Don’t you dare compare her to the Orange One, or she’ll (quite literally) rip your throat out.
Pic: Twitter