Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Know She’s Accepting Her ‘Loosening Skin’ And ‘Wrinkles’ Ahead Of Turning Fifty
Next Tuesday, the Princess of Pretension Gwyneth Paltrow will turn fifty years old. And while that birthday is indeed a milestone most people have a hard time accepting, we already know Gwyneth is not like most people. She would NEVER want anyone to think she struggles with the human emotions tied to getting older. Instead, Gwyneth took this as an opportunity to let everyone know she is Mother Time incarnate by stating she doesn’t care about flabby skin or wrinkles because when it comes to getting older, she feels as fresh as the morning dew on the inside. And yes, this latest Gwyneth claim (as with most Gwyneth claims) is getting the side-eye treatment since not too long ago, she was hawking injectables.
According to Yahoo!, Gwyneth sauntered over to her
cult fan club GOOP to use the last days of her forties to reassure everyone she couldn’t care less about turning fifty and instead likens aging to the change of the weather.
“I strangely have no sense of time passed. I am as connected to this feeling of longing, of promise — promise of the fall, of something ebbing — as I was 30 years ago,” she wrote, explaining that her lust for life has not been tainted by the passage of time. “But there is something about the sweetness of life that exists deep within me that is unchanged, that will not change. It is the essence of the essence. It seems to be getting sweeter.”
Okay, but we all know that GOOP scientists are probably working on an all-organic, $75,000 potion that mimics the elixir from Death Becomes Her. And as far as physical changes, Gwyneth is pulling out her pom poms and screaming “Bring it on!!” because she doesn’t care about that either and instead calls those imperfections a “map of the evidence“.
“While I do what I can to strive for good health and longevity, to stave off weakening muscles and receding bone, I have a mantra I insert into those reckless thoughts that try to derail me: I accept. I accept the marks and the loosening skin, the wrinkles. I accept my body and let go of the need to be perfect, look perfect, defy gravity, defy logic, defy humanity. I accept my humanity,” she wrote.
Gwyneth, so that you know, they don’t give out Nobel Prizes for aging because this all sounds like the scenic route of the exact same emotions we all feel as we age. But I will commend her for at least admitting her true age and not Gooping up some phrase like “The Earth’s rotation has touched me at 25. Twice. Happiness.”