Open Post: Hosted By The Break-Up Of Denver Zoo’s Same-Sex Flamingo Couple
Call me a hopeless romantic, but every time a celebrity couple breaks up I’m perplexed that they couldn’t somehow put their egos aside and make it work. I still secretly hold hope for Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, despite her lack of brains and his lack of being able to put up with her shit. In another crushing blow to love, the Denver Zoo’s iconic same-sex flamingo couple made up of two male birds named Freddie Mercury and Lance Bass are done. Did they not realize that they can’t break our hearts like this during Pride Month?
People reports that a Denver Zoo Facebook post about the socialization and pairing habits of Chilean and American flamingos casually broke the news that Freddie and Lance were no longer.
“Flamingos are extremely social by nature and flocks consist of collections of partnerships. This includes not only male-female breeding pairs, but also strong bonds between same-sex pairs,” the post added…the post also mentioned Denver Zoo’s famed same-sex flamingo couple, Freddie Mercury and Lance Bass, who made headlines for acting as “surrogate parents if a breeding pair was unable to raise their chick…while our famed, same-sex couple Chilean flamingo Lance Bass and American flamingo Freddie Mercury are no longer a pair, they were paired up for several years,” the zoo wrote, adding, “Our flock is 75 birds strong, which allows our birds to flamingle with a variety of individuals and personalities, giving them many options on who to form associations with.”
People were upset. They lashed out. They sobbed into their tubs of Chunky Monkey. At least that’s what I assume, because the zoo had to put up another Facebook post the very next day about Freddie and Lance to cushion the blow of the break-up with a little more context.
“It seems like our flamingo post yesterday may have ruffled some feathers and we want to sincerely apologize…for leaving everyone in the dark so long as to why our same-sex flamingo pair Freddie Mercury and Lance Bass split up! Please rest assured that both Freddie and Lance are in good health, weren’t separated and their break up was amicable. Mating for life isn’t necessarily true for all birds, and our keepers have noticed that some birds in long-term relationships sometimes decide to move on and pair up with other birds.
Freddie, that dirty whore, has already paired up with another flamingo, this time a younger female who he’s never given a shit about before, so he’s clearly petty and is trying to make Lance jealous. Poor Lance is still single and ready to flamingle and is probably out at the club drunk as hell “just doing me” as we speak.
“Freddie repaired with Iommi, one of our fourteen-year-old female American flamingos. Iommi has been around Freddie for nearly her entire life without any indication of a bond before, so keepers aren’t exactly sure why these two decided to pair up. As for Lance, keepers haven’t noticed him in a new concrete bond with anyone else at the moment,” the follow-up post added.
“Flamingos are incredibly social animals that form unique and intricate bonds. Some birds are in male-female breeding pairs. Some birds are in same-sex bonded pairs. Some birds are mated pairs their whole lives, some will have multiple partners in their lifetime and others won’t have a mate at all,” the Denver Zoo added of flamingo mating habits.
“‘Incredibly social,’ are we now? Fuck him!” cried Lance as he whipped a picture of him and Freddie across the room, watching it hit the wall and shatter. I still need to know exactly what happened here, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Cara Delevigne were somehow involved. Today we need to pour one out because true love just doesn’t exist. Real talk though: Lance Bass? The real Freddie Mercury would never!
Pic: Denver Zoo/Instagram