Who Is April’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Oscar, the dog who was dumped at a shelter by two caca-brained soulless demons for being “gay” (and was later adopted by a gay couple), easily won the title of Hot Slut of March 2022 with almost 50% of the votes. Now, we’re moving on to April’s HSOTM showdown which is a hodgepodge of hotness including a prospective juror who kept it 100% real, a gloriously weird board game from the golden era of weird board games (aka the 80s), a candy bar’s dick vein, and an adorable javelina who is a creature after Britney Spears’ heart. The first three HSOTM choices got the most Facebook likes, and the Cheetos-loving fourth choice was picked by me. Your choices for April’s HSOTM are:
Ms. Bristol (not pictured above, that’s the judge), the prospective juror in the sentencing trial of the Parkland school mass murderer who let Judge Scherer know that she had an extremely important conflict and that conflict was her sugar daddy who she sees every day. It worked and she was excused. But Ms. Bristol later said that she wasn’t being funny to try to get out of jury duty, she just wanted to let the judge know that she’d be out a ton of sugar daddy money ($8,000 a month) if she made the jury. Honestly, this just proves that the sugar babies need to unionize and Ms. Bristol is the one to lead them!
The Murder, She Wrote Board Game, the 1985 board game that brought upon the mystery of Why The Hell Would They Turn Murder, She Wrote Into A Board Game?! And I hope the answer to that mystery was, “So Angela Lansbury can get another check!”
The Snickers Dick Vein, the “dick vein” on a Snickers bar that nearly caused a nationwide panic attack when the rumor went around that Snickers got rid of it. But thankfully that was just a hurtful lie, which is the best of news for us hard-up, dick-hungry hos who actually think that the chocolate wrinkle on a Snickers bar looks like a dick vein.
The Cheetos-Loving Javelina, the javelina (which also goes by the less glamorous name of skunk pig) who trespassed into an open Subaru to steal a bag of Cheetos and then got trapped inside. Doesn’t that just sum up life? You find yourself some delicious goodies and before you know it, you get trapped in a car and the cops have to come out and rescue you. And then everyone knows you as the javelina who got trapped in a Subaru while stealing Cheetos.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be named in this space and in Night Crumbs next Friday, May 20 on Monday, May 23!
UPDATE: The votes are in and the javelina is a Hot Slut of the Month grand champion thanks to getting almost 40% of the votes. May the Hot Slut javelina of Arizona find a giant bag of Cheetos in a Subaru and NOT trapped in it this time. Thanks to all who voted!
Pics: YouTube, BoardGameGeek, Snickers, Yavapai County Sheriff’s Office