There’s only so much room in all of our fried brains for celebrity couples, so you may have forgotten that Fred Armisen and Natasha Lyonne were a thing and that they first became a thing in the simpler times of 2014. But while talking to The Hollywood Reporter to promote the second season of her Netflix show Russian Doll, Natasha said that they’re no longer together and that they broke up because she wants to live in a house with a swimming pool and he doesn’t. And as many of us shrug like, “rich bitch shit,” Fred’s one-time wife of a second Elisabeth Moss is probably throwing a side-eye that screams, “Uh-huh, I’m sure that was the reason.”
43-year-old Natasha and 55-year-old Fred were living together in Los Angeles, and when THR asked native New Yorker Natasha if she’s living in L.A. full-time now, she said no and added that she chose a swimming pool over Fred and now they’re done.
I’m not. I had been there living with Fred [Armisen] and during COVID. I honestly think we broke up because I wanted a swimming pool. We love each other just about as much as two people can love each other and we’re still talking all the time, but Freddy doesn’t like a swimming pool. It might seem like a mundane reason for a breakup, but during that pandemic, you’ve got to get your laps — I’m like Burt Lancaster in The Swimmer. So, I got myself a house with a pool out in Los Angeles. So that’s the real scandal. I guess I finally am an actual bicoastal.
But if you ask Fred Armisen why he and Natasha are no longer together, he may tell you it’s because he’s a certified terrible boyfriend. In 2010, Fred and Elisabeth Moss split after only 8 months of marriage. Nearly two years later, Elisabeth dragged the fuck out of Fred outside of a Scientology auditing session. While talking to Page Six Magazine, Elisabeth said that the greatest thing she’s ever heard someone say about Fred is that “he’s so great at doing impersonations. But the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.” I was going to say that sounds like the perfect explanation for a Scientologist too but they don’t pull off “normal” (see: Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley). Elisabeth went on to say that she doesn’t “want to waste any more of my life talking about it” and that she has no contact with him. So things ended on a lovely, amicable note, obviously. There were also horror stories from women who said that they dated Fred and it was terrible
Fred himself has also admitted that dating him is as pleasant as breastfeeding a teething baby shark. When Fred was on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show in January 2013, Howard brought up Elisabeth shitting all over him and said, “She must fucking hate you” and “You must have been a terrible husband.” Fred agreed that he’s a shit boyfriend and husband. Fred also admitted back then that he goes into relationships thinking that’s what he wants but then his peen gets a craving for other coochies. via HuffPo:
“… You must have been a terrible husband,” Stern added, as Armisen answered, “I think I was a terrible husband, I think I’m a terrible boyfriend.”
“I want it all … fast,” he admitted. “I want to be married, I want to live together … and then somewhere around a year or two years, I get freaked out. I freak out emotionally and then I actually feel like ‘Oh my God, who’s this stranger in my house?”
Armisen even confessed that he doesn’t like the feeling of being tied down to the same person and likes to have his freedom to date whoever he wants.
“Do you feel entitled to more women?” Stern asked.
“I don’t want to admit that out loud to myself,” Armisen said, “but that probably is it.”
So, how did he get Moss to eventually give up on their marriage?
“You sort of withdraw and you sort of get into all the things that you think make you weird,” Armisen explained of his technique, admitting that he “should go back to therapy.” “Like, ‘I’m really into playing XBox … [or] my record collection.’ You sort of disappear into the things that you think are your hobbies.”
“I feel bad for everyone I’ve gone out with,” he added.
It looks like things between Fred and Natasha ended much, much, much less messy than things with Fred and Elisabeth. But when Natasha said that they broke up over a swimming pool, she may have meant that she decided to break up with him after realizing that she’d rather swim in an unchlorinated pool full of non-potty-trained toddlers who just had Taco Bell and prune juice for lunch than spend another second in that relationship.
Pic: Media Punch/INSTARimages.com