Open Post: Hosted By Gwyneth Paltrow Getting A Taste Of Her Own Medicine While Trying To Sell A Goop Detox Kit
Goop is gagged! Gagged by her own shit too. Over on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Instagram page, there was an attempt to hawk Goop’s new G.Tox 7-Day Reset Kit, the primary component of which, when prepared by Gwyneth’s practiced hand, resembles sewer pipe sludge. Shame on all you people who say Gwyneth didn’t deserve that Oscar for Shakespeare In Love, because of the look of barely restrained repulsion on her face as she knocks back what looks like a shot of humanely harvested, all organic, freshly extruded infant excrement, is a masterclass in METHOD ACTING! She really drank that stank!
Here’s Gwyneth gamely taking one for the team*, and later, her husband, Brad Falchuk, unconsciously uncoupling from her in his mind.
See how Brad did that little thing with his mouth when you burp and a little food accidentally comes up and you do a quick nibble test of the texture to remind yourself what the fuck it is that you ate. No? Come on! Brad and I can’t be the only ones. Goop also posted a version of Gwyneth’s #ad, but they smoothly edited out the TRUTH.
According to Goop.com, the G.Tox 7-Day Reset Kit, “gives you the tools to do a weeklong elimination program with ease.” In layman’s terms, your $195 investment will buy you instant and sustained bouts of diarrhea for at least a week. Maybe more. Depends on if you follow the instructions to a T. You see, ever since the FDA started sniffing around, there are a lot of asterisks in Goop’s product descriptions. Here’s what you get:
Our plan provides a filling superfood cereal blend, a plant-based protein powder, and a recipe guide to take the guesswork out of the process. An easy-to-follow schedule helps you experiment with new eating patterns and an intermittent fasting protocol. And you’ll get added support from daily superpowders formulated to help promote the body’s natural detoxification system and promote digestive health.*
I know, $200 sounds like a lot of money for some powders and words, but if you do the math, you’re actually saving a ton of money. Sure, the 7-day supply of the cereal and plant-based powders, if purchased separately, is $18 each, but why buy in bulk when you can save! And by “save” I mean you can save all the tiny single-use packets from going into a landfill if you reuse them for a fun craft project! Plus, the kit also comes with Goop’s “ultimate dry brush,” a $25 value! No more brushing your arms and legs with leaves and branches like your Neanderthal ancestors. Our species has crawled out of the mud, and now we’re drinking that shit! It’s called evolution** people. Don’t believe me? Goople*** it!
* Team Paltrow benefits Gwyneth Paltrow alone. Her subsidiaries can suck a jade egg.
** The term “evolution” is a proven scientific phenomenon, therefore Goop cannot guarantee its efficacy or existence.
*** Goople is Goop’s “ultimate search engine,” Goop guarantees**** all search results produced by the Goople platform.
**** “These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.”