Open Post: Hosted By The Snail Wrangler On “Deep Water” Praising Ben Affleck’s Gentle Handling Skills

Deep Water finally came out on Hulu this past weekend and the reviews have not been kind. It currently has just 36% on Rotten Tomatoes from the critics and an even worse 23% from audiences. However, Ben Affleck did receive some positive feedback for his role as a rich, brooding, potentially murderous early retiree who wears biker shorts and collects snails in his basement. According to Entertainment Weekly, Deep Water’s “snail wrangler” Max Anton gives Ben’s snail handling skills a standing ovation. To paraphrase the immortal words of that dude who rates bodega cats, Ben holds a snail like no problem, not afraid at all, that’s a great thespian right there. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about Ana de Armas’ snail handling abilities. According to Max, Ana “did not have to fake her look of revulsion” and did not want to touch them. This begs the question, did anybody read the script before agreeing to do this movie? They must not have because the snails in Deep Water were by far the most compelling characters in the entire film.

Deep Water was supposed to be this sexy adult film. It was directed by Adrian Lyne, the man who brought us Fatal Attraction, Indecent Proposal, 9 1⁄2 Weeks and Unfaithful. So when I read that at one point in the production, Ben is handed a towel to wipe the slime off, this is not what I was expecting. EW reports:

What sort of snail-handling guidance did you give Ben Affleck?

I showed him how to pick up the snails. There are certain ways you can pick them up without damaging them. The Humane Society was there the whole time, poised to strike in case even a single wafer-thin shell got cracked or damaged. We didn’t want that.

Does a snail die if that happens? 

No. For the most part, if a snail shell cracks it’ll repair itself. But some of the snails we were working with were babies, and their shells are so thin that if you even touch them wrong, they can smush. I wanted to be very, very careful with that. I showed Ben how to handle the snails. I would put them directly on his hand. And then when the scene ended, I’d run up and take the snail off of his hand with my left hand and put a rag in his hand with the right hand so he could get the slime off.

Never mind that there’s never any explanation given as to why Ben keeps snails, I’m just glad they’ve been included. If you think you might enjoy watching Ben moping around and off-gassing scotch while Ana stumbles about making a spectacle of herself in a way I think we’re supposed to be turned on by, but in reality, is deeply embarrassing for 155 minutes, then Deep Water might keep your attention for the first 15. That was my experience. However, if there’s a silver lining to be seen in what BenAna have put us through these past years, it’s that, thanks to Ben’s gentle handling of the snails, we now know that Patricia Highsmith, the woman who wrote the 1957 novel this movie is based on, used to carry snails around in her purse to keep her company at boring parties. According to EW:

The author of Deep Water, Patricia Highsmith, had a thing for snails.

She did. She was known for carrying around a handbag with a head of lettuce and a hundred snails in it. She would take it to parties and said because she needed some real company.

I totally get it. I had to watch this mess through my fingers, for all the wrong reasons, and fast forward through the last hour. I for sure would have preferred chatting with a sack of mollusks than watch one more minute of Deep Water.

Pic: Hulu