Let’s all just relax, I assure you, everything is all fine and normal. Just because there is a woman wearing a shiny rubber inner tube, sitting across from a surly leprechaun, in a brightly lit studio, cheerfully discussing how her boyfriend had her name seared into his flesh, despite the fact that she knows such talk will further enrage her children’s father, whose frequent and disturbing rants have gotten so out of hand he’s been temporarily banned for sharing them, doesn’t prove the government secretly adding LSD to our water supply. I only wish that were the case.
According to Us Weekly, choices continue to be made, which means we are now all forced to contemplate Pete Davidson’s bare torso for the umpteenth time because Kim Kardashian thought it would be a good idea to appear on The Ellen Degeneres Show and brag that he had her name branded into his chest. Trust me, you’re going to want to make sure you’ve had your kaleidoscope koffee before proceeding.
Not too long ago, Pete was in the process of getting all his terrible tattoos lasered off, including those dedicated to a number of his past paramours, so he wouldn’t have to spend hours in a make-chair as he takes on more serious film and television roles. But as luck would have it, Pete landed the role of a lifetime as Kim’s sketchy revenge boyfriend, which apparently means he needs more tattoos, not fewer. But they all have to be for Kim. And in exchange for what I’m sure was a healthy signing bonus, he went a step further and gave himself a permanent scar across his chest. According to Us Weekly:
Making their relationship permanent. Kim Kardashian revealed that boyfriend Pete Davidson got her name “branded” on his chest —meaning it can’t be removed alongside his other tattoos.
The Saturday Night Live star, 28, sent fans into a frenzy on Sunday, March 13, when a selfie he sent Kanye West appeared to show the name “Kim” inked on his chest. “He has a few tattoos, a few cute ones that he got [for me],” Kardashian, 41, said during a Wednesday, March 16, appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. “But the ‘Kim’ one is not actually a tattoo. It’s a branding.”
Great, now if any prospective agents ever ask Pete what his brand is, he can honestly answer “Gnarly Kardashian.” And that’s for life. If Pete ever wants to cover it up with a tree, like he did with his tattoo of his ex Cazzie David, he’s going to have to be buried 6-feet-under it. As for Kim, a 44-year-old mother of 4 who’s 4 months into a new relationship while in the middle of a horrific, public custody battle with an increasingly volatile Kanye West, well she thinks it’s all, like, “so cute.”
In addition to the branding, the comedian also has a tattoo that reads “My girl is a lawyer,” which Kardashian confessed was her favorite. “That’s what tattoo people do,” the Selfish author said. “They get tattoos of what’s going on in my life, so I was like, ‘Am I something special?’” Davidson also has multiple tattoos celebrating their relationship milestones, which the Keeping Up With the Kardashians alum described as “so cute.”
Kardashian, meanwhile, celebrated their budding romance in her own way: by making things Instagram official. “I have the cutest pictures of us and I want to be like, ‘Oh, we’re so cute!’” she explained of her Saturday, March 12 post, which featured snaps of her cuddling with Davidson. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I haven’t dated since before Instagram existed. I don’t know what the rules are [when it comes to posting a new relationship].”
Yes, I’m sure Pete came up with the idea for that “My girl is a lawyer“ tattoo all on his own and not because it’s in the contract Kris Jenner literally had him sign in blood. I wonder if he inked all the Endgame Provisions & Remedies on his thighs or his ass. I pray we never find out. Here’s the clip I’m hoping will be added to the annuls of Day Time Talk Show Appearances That Made Us Realize Something Here Is Terribly Amiss right next to Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah‘s couch.