Open Post: Hosted By The Giant Velveeta Box That Replaced The Gold Cube In Central Park

February 7, 2022 / Posted by:

Last week a pure gold cube worth $11.7 million appeared in Central Park with its own security team, courtesy of German artist Niclas Castello. The piece had something to do with… cryptocurrency? Probably NFTs? Anyway, it didn’t last long. The cube was quickly ushered off to a private rich person party on Wall Street. But on Friday a surprising item took its place: an eight-foot box of Velveeta cheese. Finally, a piece of art us dummies can sink our teeth into!

Here’s the masterpiece, which also came with its own security team (a fleet of mice led by the famously cheese-loving Steven Q. Urkel):

Here’s what Velveeta had to say, via People:

“It might not be $11.7 million worth of ‘pure gold’ but it certainly is gold in its own right,” Velveeta said in a release, noting that their gold brick of cheese is known for its “velvety richness and cheesy, melty goodness” — which some would say is priceless. “We ask that all respect the drip.”

They also admitted in their release that they were inspired by Castello.

“The brand is all about encouraging people to be confident, unapologetically themselves, and constantly reminds us that you don’t have to live rich to be golden and lead a lavish, pleasure-filled life,” they added.

But then… TWIST! The day after it was placed in the park, Velveeta announced that the box had been stolen:

Were Urkel and the security mice asleep on the job? Or is this an attention-grabbing stunt a la Balloon Boy? If the crime is real, I think we need to turn our attention to the original artist, Niclas Castello. He was probably jealous that Velveeta’s box was more than five times the size of his gold cube, much cheaper to produce, and piggybacked on his thunder. Easily Suspect #1. Suspect #2 is Chuck-E-Cheese, who’s gonna use the box as his coffin.

Pic: Velveeta

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