Inside you there are two wolves. They’re both wealthy, bourgeois wolves, but they are wolves just the same. These wolves two, have been pitted against each other in a battle to the death by Reese Witherspoon, a mere cub who knows not what carnage she hath wrought. A couple of weeks ago, Reese shared what she thought would be an inspirational post about healthy habits to bring into the new year. And now, because of Reese’s almost criminally banal post, Martha Stewart and Ina Garten are at each other’s necks over how best to deal with the COVID-19 pandemic stress. Ina says drink your cares away, advocating for “more large cosmos.” Martha does not agree with “taking to drink,” nor does she find it charming. Martha says work your cares away, advocating for her new Chardonnay collab. So go ahead and pick your fighter. Chardonnay or cosmo? CHARDONNAY OR COSMOS? And don’t you dally, the fate of a weary world hangs in the balance!
In case you didn’t see it, here’s the post from Reese that started it all:
And here’s Ina’s response:
I don’t know how Reese plans to southern-charm her way out of having started a civil war amongst the Yankee elite but she better get to “y’all simmer down”-ing before someone gets hurt. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of cashmere? Martha does and said this about Ina’s advice to People:
“I do not agree about taking to drink to cope with things like the pandemic. To me that’s not charming.”
Wait now, hold up! We’re supposed to be charming? In a pandemic?!?! Martha is out of her goddamn mind, and that’s what makes her so dangerous. Name another felon with the nerve to turn an innocent suggestion from a peer into a condemnation of their entire brand? And no, Martha’s friend Snoop Dogg is not a felon (but he does have his own wine label with 19 Crimes, same as Martha!). I actually do find what Ina said as charming.
Being the messy degenerate that I am, my choosing Ina as my fighter seems like the obvious choice but then I read the rest of Martha’s response and I have to tip my hat to a real G. She somehow managed to pivot from “Hatchet Granny” Carrie Nation to hawking her own cheap-ass prison toilet wine in the same breath. Here’s Martha’s recipe for healthy living.
Instead, Stewart prefers to keep busy with new projects, like launching her new chardonnay, Martha’s Chard, with Australian wine brand 19 Crimes. “To me it’s continuing to work really hard, to be as productive as I possibly can be, to enjoy my grandchildren,” she says.
Stewart, 80, is “not a big drinker,” she says. “I never have been.” She’ll have a glass of wine or two with dinner and will extend the glass with the addition of ice cubes (a tactic she promises is now totally acceptable, even to fine winemakers).
“I have a lot of energy and a lot of curiosity. I get up early every single day,” she says. “I live on a farm, so the farm life starts early. At 7 a.m. we’re all at work — snow, rain, sunshine, we’re here. Animals don’t wait.”
Oh, Martha! Don’t ever change. But I’m still with Ina on this one.