I don’t know how in armpit jelly HELL we got here, but here we are again. Actually, I do know how we got here. We owe it all to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. Here I was thinking that the worst thing they contributed to society was their ear-and-nerves-destroying Cheetos commercial, but no! Mila and Ashton got the stank ball rolling by admitting that they don’t really lather up their bodies regularly and instead give themselves a whore bath. Then we heard from other celebrities who said that they don’t shower that much either. But Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has popped up to say that the answer to the question, “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?”, isn’t, “Yup, smells like aged crotch cheese and hot onions.” Because The Rock says he bathes daily. In fact, he bathes three times a day. Yup, these celebrities either shower too little or too much. Can they do anything right?!
Last month, Mila and Ashton were guests on Dax Shepard’s podcast and decided to share the fact that they don’t fully wash their children or themselves every day. Then Dax and his wife Kristen Bell admitted that they only wash their children when they see dirt or when their nostrils are hit with a gust of stank. Jake Gyllenhaal then tapped in and said that he finds “bathing to be less necessary. at times.” So because famous people are spitting out their bathing habits, the internet has been wondering who the Pig Pens of the celebrity world are and The Rock’s name came up. The Rock’s freshly washed ears must have been burning because he answered one Twitter user who pondered what his showering routine is (listen, we’re all permanently bored). You won’t find a four-day-old dried dingle clinging to The Rock’s butt hair because he washes his ass on the regular regular.
Nope, I’m the opposite of a “not washing themselves” celeb.
Shower (cold) when I roll outta bed to get my day rollin’.
Shower (warm) after my workout before work.
Shower (hot) after I get home from work.
Face wash, body wash, exfoliate and I sing (off key) in the shower 🧼 🎶 https://t.co/iE6ZPhrthL
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) August 7, 2021
The Rock just gave the people another reason to not vote for him if he runs for POTUS. The country will fall deeper into debt over The White House water bill alone!
And Chris Evans doesn’t have to join the celebrity bathing conversation by letting us know that he isn’t one of those multi-millionaire movie stars who are walking around unwashed and unbothered (see: Jake), because one of his fan Twitter accounts posted a clip from a Today show interview of him declaring that he showers all the time:
Chris Evans: “I shower all the time!” pic.twitter.com/7nG3glPZuE
— Chris Evans Updates (@updatevans) August 6, 2021
I’m sure we’re all waiting for the next celebrity to tell us if they lean more toward Jake Gyllenhaal or The Rock on the celebrity showering scale. And somewhere, Brad Pitt is probably airing his armpits while throwing up his hands to praise the Gods that his alleged sheepdog-smelling ass has mostly been kept out of this conversation. Yes, that’s what that smell is!