New “billionaire” Kim Kardashian is single now and so you know what that means! Time for her to start the casting for a new husband that fits her current brand. Or at the very least get attention from potentially dating and attention is the whole point so like, duh. Sources (AKA, Kris Jenner‘s scrying bowl filled with virgin’s blood hissing demonic languages which translate inside the listener’s head) spoke to Page Six, and wouldn’t you know it: Kim Kardashian is apparently getting hit up by everybody, honey. If they have a pulse, a dick, and a bank account over eight figures, they have been jumping at Kim. Well hey, her ex Kanye West said he wants to date an artist now, so I guess Kim had to level up to “anyone rich, famous, and even half-interesting.”
It’s been two months since Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kanye West after nearly 7 years of marriage, and now a “source” really wants you to know that Kim is basically the hottest ticket since the COVID-19 vaccine (and obviously comes with much, much, worse and painful side effects!):
“People are reaching out through mutual friends and people that she’s worked with to set her up with everyone from royal family members to A-list actors to athletes to billionaire CEOs. People are also trying to reach out to her via DM.”
Since Kim is trying to be a serious lawyer now, some think she may try to slide into the DMs of Judge Da Boss (without realizing, he’s a rapper and not an actual judge). But a source wants you to know that she’s “not on the hunt to date anyone in a specific field.” She wants it to happen “organically.” LOL! The Koven hasn’t been organic since cosmetology advanced in the late 2000s.
An insider said the reality star would prefer for her next relationship to just happen “organically,” although there are certain characteristics she wants in her next partner.
“The qualities most important to her are someone who values family, is supportive, fun, romantic, enjoys the simple things and is also hardworking,” a source said. “Someone who values family first and foremost because she’s a mom of four kids.”
The source should also look into a career in comedy because they claim Kim would never want to date for attention. BITCH?!
The insider reiterated that Kardashian is “really focused on her kids and work” right now — i.e., not dating — but added that when she is ready, one dealbreaker in particular will spoil any suitor’s chances
“She certainly wouldn’t want anyone to be with her for the spotlight,” the source said, adding that the social media mogul really wants “someone who values privacy.”
“Someone who values privacy?” Ummmmmmmm? *Blinks-in: Keeping Up Familial Non-Privacy With The Kardashians* I love that Kim values privacy so much in her dating life that a source told Page Six literally every single detail about it. How private. But I guess we know what Kim’s narrative will be on whatever Hulu bullshit the Koven comes up with post-KUWTK series finale: Single Mom Looking For Love.
Meanwhile, Kim was actually spotted out with singer Maluma in Miami over the weekend, but sources told Page Six the two are just friends.
“Miami the other night was a lot of fun. It felt great to be out and there were certainly people trying to shoot their shot that night, but she wasn’t paying it any mind and just loved having a fun night out with old friends.”
Just friends–that’s too bad, but with all the men in Kim’s DMs if she wants to lick a toe she can get royal family/billionaire toes to lick. But I guess toes aren’t important. Kim’s first question on a date from here on out will be: “So do you tweet?”