If this had happened in Florida as you probably assumed when reading the title, it would be about the iguana in a tree that looked like a croissant and was eaten by a cracked-out local who ended up in ER to have it removed before it could finish feasting on their spleen. An ultrasound would also reveal that the iguana eater was probably pregnant with a human-alligator hybrid.
Instead, we are treated today to a much milder case of mistaken identity that took place this past week in Kraków, Poland, but with just as many questions and all the terror struck in the hearts of those who thought they were seeing a tropical reptile in their non-tropical midst.
According to Mental Floss:
The incident started when a menacing, brown object appeared in a tree near the home of an anonymous citizen. It remained for two days. The concerned woman called the Kraków Animal Welfare Society to report the unidentifiable animal on Tuesday, April 13, saying that residents were afraid to open their windows.
The team on the other end of the call struggled to identify the so-called “tree beast.” When they asked if it might have been a sick bird of prey, the woman responded by saying it looked more like an iguana.
This spurred suspicion among the society. A tropical reptile wouldn’t survive long in Kraków’s chilly spring weather, but they decided to follow up on the call anyway. Domesticated animals sometimes end up on the street after being abandoned by their owners, and the alleged iguana may have been an exotic pet.
Am I the only one who saw fluffy, flaky, baked peens up in that tree? An iguana wouldn’t even occur to me, but the world is just a giant Rorschach test and we all just see whatever weird shit we’re all going to see.
When animal welfare officers arrived on the scene, the source of panic became clear. It didn’t take long for them to discover that the invader wasn’t an iguana—or an animal, for that matter.
Locals had confused a croissant stuck in a tree for a mysterious animal on the loose, the BBC reports.
The croissant had been lodged in the branches of the tree, apparently too high for citizens to recognize what it was. The story of how it got there in the first place remains a mystery. The Kraków Animal Welfare Society’s spokesperson on Facebook theorizes it was dropped from a window or tossed by someone trying to feed birds.
It seems reasonable to assume that someone may have placed the pastry in a tree for the birds, but maybe it’s something more salacious in birdville, like pineapple door knockers on front doors indicating that swingers live there, which is a far more intriguing end to this story.