Armie Hammer’s Secret Instagram Features A Woman In Lingerie And Drug Tests

Most of us are on fuckery overload at this point, and feeling very let down by 2021 for not giving our eyes and brains anywhere safe to land. I’m pretty sure Hilaria Baldwin is contortionist-heaving a sigh of relief in well-practiced Spanish this week, as her messy Boston-Mallorca escándalo has taken a back seat to the fava-beans-and-nice-Chianti dumpster fire that launched Armie Hammer, his distant, dead-eyed stare, and The Abuse Allegations That Made You Want to Wrap Your Sauceless Rib Cage in Chain Mail to the front of the line. 

After the alleged, twisted mentions of drinking blood, killing an animal to eat its heart and taking what appeared to be initially consensual sex acts with women he called “Kittens” to peak levels of abuse, we’re all getting caught up on way more than we’d bargained for when considering just what degree of hot mess may have contributed to his divorce in progress from his wife Elizabeth Chambers, not to mention his departure, whether voluntary or not, from Shotgun Wedding with Jennifer Lopez.

Today’s installment introduces a woman in lingerie on all fours in Armie’s Cayman Islands hotel room on his private Instagram account, interspersed with refined and classy drug-testing and drunk-driving chatter.

The Daily Mail shares the following:

Armie Hammer bragged to his inner circle about a lingerie-clad woman waiting for him in his bed and smugly posted about taking a hallucinogenic drug that goes undetected in drug tests in leaked videos from his private Instagram account, DailyMail.com can reveal.

The 34-year-old posted to his secret Instagram account, followed by his close friends, a snippet of himself taking a drag from a vape box on December 16, writing: ‘When you realize they don’t test for DMT on drug tests.’

He also shared a screenshot of what appears to be a court order that states he must take a drug test, as source revealed he is required to pass it before seeing his two young children with his estranged wife Elizabeth Chambers, 38.

The video and other pics can be found here. Below is a screen shot of the woman in question:

The Daily Mail goes on:

Hammer documented taking his home drug test, writing: ‘All negative, b***hes. My body is a finely tuned toxicant processing unit. To be fair I had THC and benzos in my piss. But who doesn’t.’ He added: ‘Divorce is so fun. Not as fun as drugs. But what is.’

But the actor seemingly found a perk of traveling to Grand Cayman to see his children, aged six and three, posting a video of a woman dressed in strappy black lingerie waiting patiently on his bed on all fours, her rear end appearing to be bright pink as she looked straight ahead.

He wrote: ‘Well… my ex (for a very good reason) wife is refusing to come back to america with my children. So I have to go back to Cayman… which sucks. Except there are a few silver linings. Like f**king Ms. Cayman again while I’m down there.’

Not so fast with the silver linings, Armie. According to MetroUK:

While the identity of the woman was not revealed on the post, the Miss Cayman Islands Universe Committee has denied that it is the reigning Miss Cayman Mariah Tibbetts, or anybody affiliated with the contest.

The committee chairperson Derri Dacres-Lee wrote on the pageant’s Instagram: ‘The Miss Cayman Islands Universe Committee is aware of a video allegedly posted by Armie Hammer referring to a scantily clad young woman as “Miss Cayman.”

‘The Committee is very disturbed by the video and would like to confirm that the woman is not the reigning Miss Cayman Islands and has no affiliation to the Miss Cayman Islands Universe pageant.

‘The Committee and the reigning Miss Cayman regard this issue with the utmost seriousness and the matter has been reported to the Royal Cayman Islands Police Service (RCIPS).

So the one controversial, sexy-times episode Armie does actually want to claim as true and not toss into the ever-deepening alleged pile, is getting shot down as a frothy jizz-load of wishful thinking, and the identity of the hotel-bed woman remains unknown. But don’t lose hope, Armie, because the very respectable authority that is Bella Thorne has taken a break from her thriving OnlyFans career to come to the rescue to defend your totally-not-shady character. The day is saved!

Pic: Wenn.com