If you live around Dublin, CA, you probably woke up this morning to the sound of Survivor by Destiny’s Child blasting loudly, and oh, it was just Lori Loughlin strutting out of prison after surviving almost two hard months of not cleaning her delicate ass on a bidet and sleeping on sheets less than a 1000 thread count. My thoughts and prayers are with the housekeepers at Lori’s downgraded mansion because they probably have to witness the sight of her slobbering on her luxurious bedsheets and lovingly humping on her bidet after being reunited with them.
TMZ says that Lori was released from Federal Correctional Institution, Dublin (FCI Dublin) this morning, and I’m sure she was expecting a mob of paparazzi welcoming her back into the spotlight. But sorry, Aunt Becky, we’re all busy with dragging a different insufferable rich white woman of privilege who faked shit.
Lori checked into FCI Dublin on Halloween, which was fitting, because I’m sure she got the spook of her life when she found out that her prison’s commissary doesn’t carry La Mer. Lori was sentenced to two months in prison after pleading guilty to paying $500,000 to fraudulently get her daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose, into USC. Lori’s husband Mossimo Giannulli took a plea deal too and got five months in prison. Mossimo and his pepaw Mr. Clean look are currently locked up and he’s scheduled to be released on April 17, 2021.
Lori got out of the clink just two days shy of serving two months, and she took a private jet from Northern California to Van Nuys, CA this morning. Lori will be on supervised release for two years and must complete 250 hours of community service. Meanwhile, the other famous one in the College Admissions Scandal, Felicity Huffman, is completely done with her sentence.
Speaking of Felicity, she’s already booked her first post-prison acting gig, so you know Lori has already called up her agents (if she still has those) to tell them to brace themselves for all of the offers that will be flooding in. I’m pretty sure the only offers Lori’s going to get are from talk shows and Red Table Talk, which I hope she takes because I need to see Adrienne Banfield-Jones destroy her with just one potently hot glare. Besides, it will be hard for Lori to return to her wholesome roles in Hallmark movies now that she’s got a teardrop face tattoo. Yes, I’m telling myself that Aunt Becky got a teardrop tattoo that represents how she killed a huge piece of her soul by being forced to cleanse her opulent skin with prison soap. She’s truly been through it.