Happy Thanksgiving From Earth Angel Dolly Parton!

November 26, 2020 / Posted by:

The pandemic-era Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade happened today, and honestly, they should’ve just brought out the iconic duo Spider-Man tossing Uncle Sam’s salad and called it a day since 2020 can eat all of our unwashed asses. But the socially-distanced show went on and featured non-kicking Rockettes, lip-synching woes, a performance from the Midwestern Rent known as Jagged Little Pill, and a trio of legends: THEE Dolly Parton, THEE Darlene Love, and THEE Patti LaBelle!

COVID-19’s most gorgeous nemesis, St. Dolly, wasn’t about to risk catching coronavirus by sprouting her diamond-drenched angels wings and flying to NYC to perform at Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. Instead, Dolly covered our eyes with diamond dust and beauty in a pre-recorded performance of Holly Jolly Christmas from her homeland of Tennessee. While wearing the sparkly tears of the angels, Dolly gifted our ears with her voice while performing in front of a stunning mural of a snowy Cracker Barrel that was definitely painted by the ghost of Thomas Kinkade:

NBC might be shit for not asking Darlene Love to sing Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) at the Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting, but they did ask her to sing A Marshmallow World at today’s Thanksgiving Day parade. While looking like Goldilocks after getting revenge on the three bears and wearing them, Darlene performed on a giant Playskool doll house. You can’t tell from the short clip below but they cut her off! And well, whoever made that call is going to get a pile of piping hot reindeer turds in their stocking for committing that ILLEGAL act:

And Patti LaBelle may not have been fucked by her background singers and a slow cue card turner this time around but like Darlene Love, she was fucked by whoever made the ILLEGAL call to cut her off too:

And while the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade brought us the triple star power of Dolly, Darlene, and Patti, the breakout star was Mario Lopez’s 1-year-old son Santino who nearly exposed his mom’s chichi to the world by doing what we all do whenever Mario Lopez opens his mouth to speak: RUN FAR, FAR AWAY!

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

Pic: YouTube

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