And Now For A Distraction, Courtesy Of Goop’s Holiday Gift Guide

November 4, 2020 / Posted by:

Gwyneth Paltrow is back to troll the regulars! Goop released its 2020 Holiday Gift Guides which feature things like a $100,000 custom concrete self-heating tub. Perfect suggestion! Hopefully, everyone saved those $1,200 unemployment checks from months ago so that they can put a down-payment! And before you ask, yes her vagina candle is on the gift guide.

The Independent has compiled some of their personal favorites from the insane collection of uber-exclusive luxurious bullshit and it is exactly as you’d think coming from someone with the haute-tastes and vaginal-interests of Gwyneth Paltrow. All the guides are available here if you feel like numbing your brain on this post-election day with more upsetting and confusing information.

One item is a Tsuchiya Kaban “Watermelon Bag” which is for… watermelons, I guess? And its price is given “on request.” As a longtime Vogue reader I know that means that if you have to ask you can’t afford it.

But don’t fret, it wasn’t all watermelon bags, $12,000 “Study Pods” and boxes which listen to plant-waves to create music(?). She even made a “Poors” section, though Goop called it “Under-$100.” This list included a Vesper Vibrator necklace which Goop said can be “turned into a vibrator with one click.” But girl, it never stops being a vibrator–it’s just hanging around your neck.

So that’s the perfect gift for those of us who like to jack offon the go. And Goop’s “Lovers Gift Guide” has even more vibrators–more vibrators than any person could need, one might say. Like a vibrating ring:

Gwyneth loves to vibe on the go, huh?

One of her wildest suggestions was in her “Ridiculous But Awesome” list which included a $2,000 Edie Parker ouija board:

So this holiday season be sure to waste your money and summon a demon. Happy 2020!

More random gifts included: over-priced Monopoly, a “sculpting bar” for your face which vibrates, an over-priced puzzle, over-priced baby clothes, a $12,000 hover-board/surf-board she recommended in the children’s section:

And there’s this hideously tacky Gucci chair, which is perfect if you want to rest your pussy on a deranged pussy from acid trip hell:

I mean… did we expect anything else? Truly the only shocking thing to me is the ouija board. Greed and decadence, I expect from Gwyneth–but to encourage conjuring spirits? That’s too far!

Pics:, Goop

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