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Maki, the kidnapped lemur!

There’s a very good reason why Maki is making SANTO DIOS eyes (aka 2020 eyes), and yes, it’s because he’s a lemur and their eyes are stuck in the SANTO DIOS position. But Maki also looks like you scrolling through all the shitty news on Twitter in the morning because bitch was kidnapped from his enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo. Thankfully, Maki is back at home, and I’m sure he’s busy negotiating with the streamers for a 12-part docu-series about this saga.

The Associated Press says that last Tuesday, Maki, who is a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur with arthritis, was chilling in his home at the zoo (probably getting ready to light up a blunt before searching lemur-on-lemur videos on PornHub) when some evil motherfucker broke into his enclosure and snatched him up. The San Francisco Zoo immediately reported him missing and offered up a $2,100 for his safe return. Everyone (read: just me) began to think that maybe, just maybe, Maki staged his own kidnapping because he was sick of being imprisoned in that zoo and wanted to run off to Hollywood to pitch a Zoboomafoo reboot starring him. But on Thursday, Maki was spotted by 5-year-old James Trinh in the playground area of Hope Lutheran Day School in Daly City. Whoever took him dropped him off there. How cruel of that piece of shit human. First of all, putting Maki through the trauma of getting kidnapped. Second of all, abandoning Maki in the eardrum-shattering hell zone known as a playground full of screaming kids.

But thanks to young James, the police were called and Maki was safely taken back to the zoo:

We found Maki, the stolen lemur from @sfzoo!! Around 5pm, we got a report he was in the playground area of the Hope Lutheran Church. We contained him until staff from the zoo took him back home. Here is Officer Haas with Maki.

We are grateful Maki is home safely! pic.twitter.com/U5rB2RnIxC

— Daly City Police (@DalyCityPD) October 16, 2020

And SFist reported that on Friday, a suspect was busted. A 30-year-old man, with a rap sheet longer than Maki’s tail, was arrested for Maki’s kidnapping and held on suspicion of receiving or concealing stolen property, vehicle theft, and shoplifting.

Even though James is the one who spotted Maki, the San Francisco Zoo is going to give the $2,100 reward to Hope Lutheran. But James has been rewarded with a lifetime membership to the zoo. The Zoo’s director said this about how Maki’s doing:

San Francisco Zoo director Tanya Peterson said Maki was “an aging wild animal who needed special care” for ailments including arthritis. “He’s still agitated, dehydrated and hungry,” she said, adding that veterinarian teams were working to get him back to health. Due to his travels, she added, “He’s socially distancing from his primate family” but would hopefully join the other lemurs soon.

The police believe that Maki was kidnapped in hopes of being sold on the black market, but when the story of his snatching made the news, the kidnapper got nervous and dumped him at the playground. Poor Maki is way too old for this kind of shit. It is a good thing that he was safely found before being illegally sold. Because just imagine that Maki was sold on the black market and he woke up in his new shit owner’s house and as he opened his eyes, he realized that he was sold to exotic pet collector Justin Bieber! It would be the last thing Maki saw because his already bulging eyes would bulge right the fuck out of his head.

Pic: Marianne V. Hale/San Francisco Zoo/AP