Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 16, 2020 / Posted by:

Tab!

As you probably already know from the sound of a million grandmas, moms, and aunties wailing out in pain, as a Virginia Slim hangs out of their mouth while running to every Walmart to buy as many cans of their holy sweet nectar as possible, Tab has been put to sleep by Coca-Cola after 57 years. Meanwhile, a bunch of other uncultured dum-dums are looking all confused-like, because they had no idea that Tab was still a thing that existed. It was, but not anymore, and now the one store in every town that still sold Tab is filled with women who are holding candles while mourning the loss of their beautiful Tab.

The Wall Street Journal announced the sad news today, saying that along with Tab, Odwalla, Coca-Cola Life, Diet Coke Feisty Cherry, Northern Neck Ginger Ale, and Delaware Punch have all been discontinued. The reason is that people aren’t buying it anymore. Coca-Cola put out their eulogy for Tab:

We’re forever grateful to TaB for paving the way for the diets and lights category, and to the legion of TaB lovers who have embraced the brand for nearly six decades. If not for TaB, we wouldn’t have Diet Coke or Coke Zero Sugar. TaB did its job. In order to continue to innovate and give consumers the choices they want today, we have to make decisions like this one as part of our portfolio rationalization work.

Tab came out in 1963 and it was Coca-Cola’s first diet soda. It was called Tab because it was for you wimmuns who wanted to keep “tab” on your weight. But I guess Tab kept the chunk away by getting chemicals to eat that shit up because its original sweetener, cyclamate, was banned and another sweetener, saccharine, was reported to cause bladder cancer, which apparently turned out not to be true.

Tab didn’t only terrorize insides, it also terrorized eyeballs and ears with its commercials. In this commercial, ladies are told to be a “mindsticker” by having a shape he can’t forget with help from Tab. This is the scariest stalker horror movie I’ve ever seen:

When Coca-Cola came out with Diet Coke in 1982, Tab’s slow demise began. But while sales dropped, the glamour turned up. The Tab commercials of the 1960s were nine kinds of icky, but the Tab commercials of the 80s were nine kinds of glamour. This commercial of pure luxury starring THEE Jayne Kennedy probably made Alexis Carrington switch out the burnt-champagne she served to guests for something much more opulent: Tab!

And this one let us know that Tab’s secret ingredient was speed:

And then there’s this one that told us that Tab was a drink for beautiful people who could steal your man without even trying:

I would tell you to pour out a Tab for Tab, but don’t do that. Hold onto it and sell it on eBay later when every store has run out of its supply and the members of the Cult of Tab will sell their grandchildren’s good kidney for just one!

Rest in peace, Tab.

Pic: Coca-Cola

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