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Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow!
The 80s was truly the golden era of toys and when the toy industry peaked (and I’m not just saying that as a child of the 80s, it’s a fact!), but in 1977, the now-dead toy company Kenner made a strong case for the 70s being crowned the golden era of toys by putting out a fucking cow toy. Because honestly, what kid wasn’t begging their parents and Santy Claus for a toy cow that squirted out fraudulent milk? Honestly, if this mess was around when I was a kid, I’d probably want one too, which would give my mother another reason to wonder, “The fuck did I give birth to?”
Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow was made up of Milky herself, her water trough, and detachable udders that you put these weird milk pills into. According to this extremely detailed Medium post on Milky, you got her to squirt out fake leche by first making her drink water:
Once the perfectly safe “milk pill” pellet is loaded and stored in the udder, fill Milky’s trough with water and place the trough under Milky’s head. Tip Milky’s head into the trough. Now pump the tail, because that’s how a cow gets ready to produce milk in nature. Start pumping. Isn’t this fun?
Milky then proceeds to “drink” the clear water from the trough — all enabled by this totally logical tail-pumping action. When the cow has finally had enough and can’t take it anymore because the tedium is too much to bear — it “moos” and that’s your sign to start milking.
Hmm… I wonder how many kids got a cow-kick to the gut from trying to get a real cow to drink water by yanking their tail.
This commercial shows Milky getting milked of some pretend milk that is really white water that I don’t think you were supposed to drink. So yeah, Milky may be the first “cow” to ever squirt out vegan milk. Even Milky is throwing WTF eyes at the whole existence of herself:
Where was Joaquin Phoenix to save poor Milky!? And why do I have a feeling that many therapists have heard their grown-up client say, “Let me just start at the beginning when I was first traumatized and haven’t been the same since. My parents got me this toy called Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow…”
Pic: eBay