Quibi Is Desperate And Looking For A Potential Buyer To Save It

September 22, 2020 / Posted by:

Quibi, which it turns out is not actually some kind of rare Pokémon like I thought but is actually that mobile streaming app that offers “quick bites” of content you have to pay for when you could just sit there and refresh Twitter a million times for free, is on life support. According to Vox, after making its debut just 6 months ago, Quibu has resorted to staring into a mirror while putting lipstick on, a single tear streaming down one luridly rouged cheek, before bravely and resolutely clip-clopping out on impossibly high Lucite platform heels to sell itself on the streets to the highest bidder. After months of floundering, Quibi is looking for a buyer as a possible solution to their “oopsie we built something nobody wants” problem.

According to Vox:

Quibi was supposed to be revolutionary: A video service that was supposed to fill the gap between YouTube and HBO by bringing short, “premium” clips starring celebrities like Liam Hemsworth and Chrissy Teigen to your phone, for a price.

But that was in the spring. Now, Quibi might be headed to a fire sale: Just six months after launching — and after raising $1.8 billion — Quibi has started looking for a buyer. It’s a stunning admission that the high-profile service hasn’t found enough traction to continue on its own.

Vox reports that Quibi’s founder Jeffrey Katzenberg and CEO Meg Whitman have already “pitched at least one potential acquirer in the last week,” and from the sounds of things, the pitch went something like “hey mister, I may be ugly but my ‘turnstyle feature’ will rock your world.

But the more practical question about Quibi now is what exactly a buyer would get. There’s some cash — a source familiar with the pitch says the company has said it has more than $200 million on-hand — as well as the tech Quibi built to bring its video to your phone. It’s particularly proud of what it calls its “turnstyle” system, where viewers can rotate their phone 90 degrees to see a different version of the video they were watching. Quibi’s engineering team might also be valuable to a certain kind of buyer.

Oh, so Quibi’s trying to give me gonorrhea AND a repetitive stress injury? No thanks. As for Quibi’s content, any potential buyer would need to buy it all new wigs and stockings. Vox reports that Quibi doesn’t actually own most of its shows.

…in most cases, Quibi doesn’t actually own the shows it has paid for: It has licenses that last several years, at which point they go back to the companies that made them. (Disclosure: Vox Media produces shows for Quibi.)

So if you’re buying Quibi because you want to get your hands on The Most Dangerous Game, you’re going to have to take advantage of it in the near future. Which means you’re unlikely to value Quibi has highly as its managers and investors would like.

Despite the wonky titties, bad teeth and pronounced limp, it sounds like Quibi’s pimp Jeffrey is still intent on marketing it as a high-class prospect.

Katzenberg declined to answer questions via email. His company insists, via a statement from a PR rep and in its pitch to would-be acquirers, that the service has had a successful launch, despite well-documented failures to attract users. The fact that it’s trying to find a buyer undercuts those arguments.

Quibi gave Reese Witherspoon all that money, maybe she should buy it. I might actually pay for an app that lets me watch The Notorious LJP dance in turnstile mode.

Pic: Wenn.com

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