The 25th Bond movie No Time To Die hasn’t come out yet (it’s supposed to come out on November 20 after its original release date was pushed due to coronavirus), but there’s already a claim as to which white guy with nice pecs will jump from burning buildings or swings from chandeliers, crashing through a plate-glass window without a scratch, and slip into Daniel Craig’s tuxedo to play the new James Bond. Well, there’s one claim that James Bond WILL be played by everyone’s favorite camwhore Tom Hardy. That sound you just heard was Hard Up To Play Bond team member Henry Cavill destroying his nerd machine in a fit of rage!
While many of us continue to wonder how we’re going to survive the next six months––hell, at this rate, probably the next six years––there is at least one of life’s burning questions we can all cross of our lists. Because according to The Vulcan Reporter, a news source that very few people have even heard of, after years of speculation––including options like Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, and Michael Fassbender––has now confirmed that 43-year-old Tom Hardy will replace 52-year-old Daniel Craig is Bond.
The Vulcan Reporter goes a step further, defending their insider knowledge while simultaneously shitting on serious and reputable news outlets like The Sun and The Daily Mail:
“Naturally, fans have been speculating for years about who they think will be taking over from Craig after No Time to Die. Today I’ve learned that this successor is none other than Mad Max and Venom actor Tom Hardy.
I understand that this casting decision is a popular fancast. I also know that every British news website/rumor blog under the sun (including The Sun) has been claiming that Tom Hardy will be playing the new Bond. Seeing as how these news sites churn out a new “Who’s Playing Bond???” article every week or so, I’m going to assume that they don’t actually know who the next Bond is. Be that as it may, I will not brand this article as an exclusive. I also hope you understand that I am not the type to just take a popular fancast and run with it as a scoop. I expect the people who follow my scoops and know my credibility to help me with making this article stand out in comparison to the articles from the other news websites I mentioned earlier.
While Tom Hardy was expected to be announced as the new Bond in November, this does not seem to be the case anymore due to the coronavirus. Nevertheless, I anticipate the announcement to come out this year all the same.”
At no point does it mention how this site owner acquired this confirmation, or from where they earned their credentials as a Bond insider, but apparently the mystery has been solved. So let’s all just move on.
In other news, I myself have learned just five minutes ago that the new Bond is going to be played by Louie Anderson––and I refuse to name my sources! So just go about your business and expect to see a portly, gap-toothed 007 on your screens in 202…who knows?