Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 27, 2020 / Posted by:

Solomon, the runaway tortoise!

Solomon is a 15-year-old, 150-pound African Sulcata Tortoise who lives with his humans in Ashland City, TN. Solomon’s humans have been taking care of him ever since he was a newborn baby tortoise, but I guess he was getting bored of that small-town life and wanted to break out. Hey, if a tortoise like Larry King can make it big in the business that is show, so can Solomon. So in June, Solomon busted out of that bitch and he ALMOST made it to Hollywood before they caught his ass. And by “almost” I mean he was found less than a mile from his house.

Solomon’s human, Lynn Cole, tells WKRN that he went missing on June 8. They offered up an award for his return and put up fliers and social media posts. Weeks and weeks went by without any sign of Solomon, but 74 days after he went on the lam, Lynn got a call from a man who found him nibbling on some grass just an eighth of a mile from her house. Lynn and her husband immediately went to get Solomon and they celebrated his return with a feast of collard greens, broccoli, cauliflower, watermelon rinds, bananas, and carrots. And Lynn says that she’ll never know what kind of fuckery and foolery Solomon got into during his 74-day adventure.

“I guess that we will never know the full details of Solomon’s great adventure and how he managed to elude us all for so long. No matter his traveled course or intent, thanks to the gentleman and his son who happened to be driving by at that moment, Solomon is now safely at home and, as such, so much joy has been returned to our family,” explained Cole.

Lynn is right, we’ll never know what Solomon got into. I mean, maybe one rainy night, he came into the sight of a lady tortoise who offered him a ride, and after he accepted with a smile, they drove for a while, and she didn’t ask him his name (the lonely tortoise in the rain). They found a hotel, it was a place she knew well, they made magic that night, he did everything right, he brought the tortoise woman in her… Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Did I know that this post was going to lead me to writing tortoise porn inspired by a Heart song? No, but here we are… unfortunately.

Pic: WKRN

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