Undisputed Mother of the Century, fine dining connoisseur and general walking kryptonite to good taste, Dina Lohan is still managing to grab onto headlines. And we thought she had topped them all last year by announcing that she had broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years, Jesse Nadler––a boyfriend she’s never met in person. Well, the tides turned in 2020 (probably the only person whose year has featured mostly high points) and the frequent DWI collector turned sober homemaker is getting married. To the same guy. And she STILL hasn’t met him in person.
And, as if the wedding wasn’t going to be glamorous enough, Lindsay Lohan will likely serve as the maid of honor. Vogue can go ahead and cancel next year’s lineup and reserve an entire six-month block of covers for what will surely be the wedding of the decade (followed by the annulment of the decade).
According to TooFab, Dina made the engagement announcement last month on her Facebook page (furthering my belief that only moms still use Facebook nowadays). But not only that, she dug even deeper into the details of the pending nuptials on “Listen to Me: The OG MAMA D!”, a podcast she inexplicably hosts with someone named Chanel Omari, claiming that she wants all of her children involved in the ceremony:
“I am going to go off the grid,” Dina explained. “Lindsay and Ali are going to be my maid of honors because they’re both angels and both my boys are going to walk me down the aisle together. They’ve both been there and are such amazing men and so kind to their women. I can’t even make it up.”
As for the fiance she still hasn’t met, it’s going to be even more difficult for the two to get together before the exchange of vows takes place. But Dina assures everyone who is interested that a face-to-face WILL happen soon.
“We will meet way before,” she said. “We aren’t freaks or weirdos or like blind date whatever those shows are. I know him, he knows me. We have no secrets. I love him for him. That’s it. That’s what it is.”
“Because we were friends first. It wasn’t anything deeper,” she began. “We became really great friends. I got to know him and what he thinks in his mind. We were best friends. Sex is going to be even better. That’s just a given. You just know when you know.”
Neither the engagement announcement nor any recent photos of Jesse have made their way onto Dina’s Instragam page (which, after a quick sweep, proves that she is HUNGRY for content). So this ongoing narrative that she’s getting married is just another STUNT QUEEN stunt from Dina. Lindsay hasn’t commented on the maid of honor request, neither has the other daughter (what’s her name….you know what, it really doesn’t matter).
So until we get some confirmations, I’m really gonna need Dina to step it up. Because I’m going to have to give work at least three weeks’ notice before taking the day off to log on to watch the swapping of vows (you KNOW that if this happens, it’ll be online via a pay-per-view linkup). And I’ll also need to know a date so that I can submit the paperwork required to make Dina’s wedding day a national holiday.