BREAKING PEEN NEWS: Jake Gyllenhaal Says That Amy Schumer’s Husband Is Uncut

July 10, 2020 / Posted by:

According to the Internets, 64% of males born in 1980 were circumcised. Jake Gyllenhaal was born in 1980. Jake Gyllenhaal is also Jewish on his mother’s side. So, odds were, the boy was snipped. But we could never know for sure. Until now. By George, he’s cut and we learned highly important news this thanks to Jake himself.

This vital information was dropped on Amy Schumer’s new HBO Max documentary “Expecting Amy”, which follows her difficult pregnancy. In between clips of Amy puking her guts out from hyperemesis, there was footage of her wedding with chef Chris Fischer. Apparently Jake was childhood friends with Chris, and he and their two other buds spilled the tallywacker tea during their wedding toast.

via Page Six:

“We’re going to start this off with Chris is the only uncircumcised one amongst the four of us,” the actor says into a microphone, “which was a mystery to us as young boys because we only knew the penis to be one way.”

So that’s three men with altered willies and one with all his original parts. Good to know. If only all wedding toasts provided intimate details about dicks. Instead, I’ve been forced to listen about how happy and in love the newlyweds are. Braggy, boring, and basic.

So, now that we’ve got 100% confirmation that Jake is circumcised, does this alter the way you interpret his performances? Does a cut Donnie Darko’s death still make you weep? Does a cut Jack Twist banging Heath Ledger in that tent still give you the hornz? Does a cut guy from October Sky still inspire you to search for answers in the stars? I’ll leave it to you, dear reader. XOXO Gossip Girl


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