Gwyneth Paltrow shared her at-home quarantine wellness routine on Goop’s website. In addition to posting some food that looks like a pile of stepped-in dog shit (“a perfect pot of lentils you can stick in the fridge and reach for when you need a quick, plant-based protein,” so she says), she also let us all know she bought her 14-year-old son Moses a 450-piece boob puzzle, as if adolescence isn’t mortifying enough as it is. Still, it’s not like she got him a hooker for his 14th birthday, it’s just boobs. That said, “at least she didn’t get him a hooker for his birthday” was the first thought I had so, Gywneth, you’re doing great sweetie.
Here’s the puzzle in question:
Gwyneth writes “There’s been a lot of Trivial Pursuit happening at the house. And I got Moses the boob puzzle just for fun.” Personally, I’m more offended by the Goop University sweatshirt she’s selling for ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS, than at the thought of her son seeing, and necessarily fondling, a handful of wonky titties. But it’s the edge-lord bragging about it that irks. She could have lied differently (like she “shops.” Paltrow, please!) and told us she got it for Brad, Apple, or herself. But no, poor little Moses had to be sacrificed on the altar of attention. Mother of the year, right here folks.
I repeat: ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS.