Apparently the FBI really hurt Prince Andrew’s royal feelings last week when he was accused of doing everything in his Mommy’s power to avoid speaking with them about his friend, Jeffrey Epstein. Andrew would never dodge accountability. Never! His spokespeople have made it known that he’s been desperately trying to reach out to the authorities and arrange a time to sit down and chat. How dare they paint him as some kind of shady, powerful creep with a walk-in closet full of skeletons! Andrew is very serious about helping the authorities, and he will absolutely tell them everything he knows about Jeffrey Epstein and Little St. James. But, only if the FBI makes him feel special first.
A source tells The Daily Mail that Prince Andrew is so pissed that the FBI has been dragging his name through the mud during their investigation. Apparently Andrew exists in a magical fantasy world where his reputation isn’t already on par with toilet bowl slime. According to the source, Andrew has decided to deliberately start ignoring the FBI’s requests to speak with him, because they’ve done him so dirty in the press. Again, Andrew really thinks the FBI is the culprit here, and not the numerous photos and phone numbers and stories and allegations that will forever link him to Jeffrey Epstein’s inner circle. No, it’s the implication of lack-of-cooperation from the FBI!
The US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, Geoffrey Berman, has spoken multiple times about Andrew’s alleged lack of cooperation. If Geoffrey Berman wants to see Andrew in an uncomfortable chair with poor lumbar support, sweating profusely under hot interrogation lights, he’s going to have to pucker up and kiss some HRH ass first.
A source close to the Duke of York told The Mail on Sunday: “Until there’s an olive branch from the Department of Justice and an attempt to establish trust, we can’t deal with them. The DoJ has been painting an entirely inaccurate picture and this third time was enough. Three strikes and you’re out. There have been three provable breaches in the DoJ’s own rules [in talking about cases] while the Duke has played a straight bat out of respect for the rules and the process.
“There is no way the Duke’s lawyers can recommend an engagement with the DoJ when they’re breaking the rules. They need to do something to start rebuilding trust.”
I’ll admit, I did not see this strategy coming. “You’re a blabbermouth, and I don’t deal with blabbermouths!” is the defense I employed back when I didn’t want to play Truth or Dare at a 5th-grade sleepover. And it didn’t work for me then, so I’m not sure how successful it’s going to be for Andrew.
The Daily Mail says that Andrew is worried about giving a face-to-face interview, because he sucks at those. But a former state prosecutor tells The DM that if Andrew thinks he can get out of this with a written statement, he’s wrong.
So I think I know what kind of olive branch Andrew wants. An apology, plus a promise. And the promise is that he can have as many penalty-free question skips as his heart desires. Andrew, if it didn’t work for me back then, it’s not working for you, so don’t try it. “I choose Truth, and the truth is…I’d like to make my own Dare. Do you dare me to run as fast as I can out of this interview? I totally can! Watch me!”