There’s A Petition To Replace Confederate Monuments With Statues of Britney Spears

June 13, 2020 / Posted by:

As racist, confederate statues glorifying slave-owners and other historical dirtbags continue to topple around the world, ideas have already begun to circulate as to what should replace these empty spaces (Seriously, though, IN THIS ECONOMY, does America actually have an emergency statue fund?) Well, one suggestion that I am formally running up the flagpole and saluting is a statue that would serve as a symbol of everything that the south has gotten right. A symbol of strength, perseverance, and confusion. I’m talking about Miss Britney Jean Spears, y’all. And, fortunately, I’m not the only one.

That website is a hell of a thing. TMZ is reporting that in the midst of all this national turmoil and boiling hatred, one Britney fan, Kassie Thibodeaux, has put together an initiative so powerful (and obvious, to be honest) that it is sure to unite these United States once and for all. Kassie floated this idea on the internet––where all of the best ideas live––and now THOUSANDS of signatures are being added to an online petition that will be sent to politicians in Britney’s home state of Louisiana. The ask:

“Do the right thing: Replace Confederate statues with an actual Louisiana hero and influential human being, Britney Spears.”

The petition specifically calls out Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards, Senator Bill Cassidy, and the Louisiana State Senate and House. Once it has gathered the required number of signatures, it would have to be considered and voted on. And this ain’t no gimmick. In her statement, Kassie reminds us of all of Britney’s humanitarian and philanthropic efforts, calling her a local hero to the people of Louisiana (no comment on how the people of Louisiana feel about that).

The greatest thing about this initiative is that there are just so many hateful monuments and statues in Louisiana––apparently, like nearly 50 in total––so replacing them all would gift us with the opportunity to give a real retrospective of Britney’s life and career. We have Britney “digesting the news that Ryan Seacrest is allegedly not gay” and the pièce de résistance, “triumphant Britney performing at the 2008 VMA Awards (but NOT the 2007 VMA Awards, for god’s sake!).”

If we could get 50+ Britney statues in Louisiana, and Dolly Parton statues in Tennessee, then maybe the immortalized cast of Designing Women scattered throughout the state of Georgia (with a giant Delta Burke bust at the foot of the Atlanta City Hall) this could really get us closer to making America great again. Okay, maybe not “great” again. But certainly glamourous. Ya, there’s your new slogan for 2020: MAKE AMERICA GLAMOUROUS AGAIN!


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