Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard really make married life seem fun. The couple has talked about their arguing antics before–once blacking out during a moment of marital fury. And during this coronavirus quarantine, they’ve been “at each other’s throats.” And now Kristen has another completely healthy marriage story involving Dax breaking his hand and being too afraid of his own wife to tell her. Being afraid of Kristen seems like a theme! That’s functional love!
Kristen was on Ellen yesterday and told Ellen DeGeneres that Dax got into a bad wreck just when the quarantine started and crushed “all the bones in his hand.” Apparently the trip was “essential.” Ah yes, getting away from your wife for the last time just before you get trapped with her indefinitely. How sweet. Kristen said:
“He went on an “essential” off-roading trip right when quarantine began. It was by himself. He was off-roading in the mountains and he had a buddy with him, but they were in separate off-roading vehicles… He didn’t call me. He drove home… and the first thing he said when he walked in the door is, “I just don’t want to be in trouble.” Which is crazy because he’s never in trouble with me. I mean, I’ll let you know if I’m disappointed in your actions but I’m an adult, and he’s an adult. I said, “You’re not in trouble, but it’s not the smartest move you could have made.”“
— All News Inc. (@allnewsinc) May 12, 2020
Dax has a cast now, but it hasn’t stopped him from still trying to fulfill his husbandly duties. No, not sex. Clearly, their aggressive hate-fucking would break his cast. I meant he cleaned the drain:
“He did clean out the drain in our shower the other day. He pulled out the biggest wad of fur that I have ever… it was like the size of a small purebred dog… That was a week ago and even now our girls won’t shower in that shower because they’re scared that the hair monster’s going to come up and suck them down the drain.”
And it looks like these two are really going for it with the “couple goals” shit as Kristen also talked about giving up on homeschooling their daughters 7-year-old Lincoln and 5-year-old Delta. Honestly, they should skip school completely and go straight into shroom farming.
Kristen also said of Delta:
“I attempted to give her some math problems in the beginning of this quarantine and I handed them to her and she answered the first and second one and then she got real sassy and in the answer grid for the rest of the questions, she just wrote, “No, no, no.”“
— bellzel.love (@bellzel_love) May 12, 2020
I think that Delta actually knows how to best deal with conflict in the house and Kristen and Dax should take a tip from her. Rather than fight or get angry with each other, just say: “No, no, no,” cover your ears and walk away.