When I first read the headline that Vera Wang was sharing her age-defying beauty secrets, I rolled my eyes so hard, my retinas detached. Like, come on. Vera’s a rich celebrity. I’m sure she just nips and tucks and uses $15,000 anti-aging cream made from the blood of virgin dolphins (a famously smooth animal).
Then I read her age, which is… drumroll, please… 70. SEV-EN-TY. And she’ll be 71 next month! Which means she was born in 1949. The frickin’ WWII decade!
Even though Vera’s been seventy almost a full year, it’s only been the last week that people paid any attention. It all started with Vera posting piles o’ pandemic pictures to her Instagram:
Wow. Even if that woman is more Botox than blood, she’s clearly been blessed with some good genes. The last couple of pictures spurred a viral tweet about her age. And Vera’s Twitter co-signed it as FACTS:
Fact Check: Truth https://t.co/pN37eSfeqc
— Vera Wang (@VeraWang) May 7, 2020
The abs picture (HOW?!) was flooded with comments like, “WANG, HOW YOU 70?” One Instagram follower asked for specifics. How does Vera do it? She responded with this gem: “work, sleep, a vodka cocktail, not much sun”.
Work? Meh, not really into it. Sleep? Hell yeah. I’m useless without my twelve hours. A vodka cocktail? I was gonna say YEP, but then I noticed she said “a” vodka cocktail, which implies just one, soooo it’s a no from me, dawg. And not much sun? Well, like most of the world, I’m getting very little sun at the moment. So yay! A point in my favor. Which means I’m like… 2.5 outta 4.
The real question is, can this equation fix already-existing wrinkles? At the ripe old age of 31, I’ve developed a deep line between my brows, thanks to years of bitchily glaring at people’s stupidity. It’s taken my resting bitch face to the next level. To make up for it, I just smile like a maniac, constantly serving you, “I used the Joker’s Smylex products, and I’m lovin’ every minute!”