Feelin’ Special Pets!
File this under: Shit I probably thought was cheesy yet cute back in the day and now look at its whole marketing angle like, “Was Roman Polanski an executive at Mattel in the 80s ?!!” Because Feelin’ Special Pets’ tagline was: What I say depends on where you touch me. What in Show Me On The Doll HELL is that tagline?!
Feelin’ Special Pets weren’t meant to be creepy (I think). They were meant to promote children getting in touch with their feelings and not being afraid to share their emotions and shit. The line was made up of two dogs (including one with some stunning Groucho Marx brows) and two cats. When you pressed a part of its body, it’d tell you how it was feeling. Like if you squeezed its ear, it went “Ow! that hurts!” If you scratched its head, it let you know that felt good. If you pressed its back, it burped. And if you hugged it, it whispered into your ear, “I’m going to have so much fun invading your nightmares tonight!” No, it didn’t say that….that we know of.
Here’s a compilation of commercials from the 80s and at the 2:44 mark is an ad for Feelin’ Special Pets:
My takeaways are that those bitches were big! And why do they have voices like someone’s creepy uncle talking into a fan? But you know, I wish I had a Feelin’ Special Pet when I was a kid, because I barely had any friends and it’d be forced to be a friend to me. Not only that, but if some brat fucked with me on the playground, I’d just have to bop my Feelin’ Special Pet on the knee, which would activate its reflexes and it’d kick that brat down while saying, “Ow! That must have hurt. The next time I’m going for your throat. Eheheheheheheheheheheheh!”