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May 6, 2020 / Posted by:

Polaroid i-Zone!

At the very end of the 90s, Polaroid tried to get the youths to buy their stuff by coming out with the OhSOFunkEe i-Zone. They should’ve called it the i-CantSeeShit! because it printed out teeny-tiny pictures.

The teeny-tiny picture thing was the i-Zone’s gimmick. It printed Shia LaBeouf’s dick-sized pictures (read: 1.5″x1″) and the pictures were printed out on an ugly strip of pull-out paper that looked like the ugly 90s baby of a snap bracelet and a Band-Aid. You could cut the strip to any size you wanted and the back was sticky so you could just slap it on a wall, or your turquoise iMac G3, or you could wear them like pasties on your wiggling tits the way this dude did in an i-Zone commercial from 2000:

Wikipedia says that Polaroid stopped making i-Zone film in the mid-aughts and if anybody actually has i-Zone film, it won’t do shit except take up space because it has expired:

One major marketing point for the camera was its ease of use: the camera had only three aperture settings, selected by a lever that pointed to a picture representing when each setting would be appropriate, be it indoors, outdoors on a sunny day, or outdoors on a cloudy day. After taking a photo, the lever would automatically revert to the off position to save power. Film for this camera was discontinued in 2006, shortly after which all film would have now passed their expiry date; there have been a number of comments made on the internet that unused/unopened film will no longer work.

My mind could never wrap around the idea that the i-Zone is something we really needed as a people. But I’m sure it’s loss is felt… mostly by wannabe Patrick Bateman types who profess their love for their stalking victim by putting her picture on their nipple (see: the creepy mess above).

Pic: Amazon

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