Earlier this month when we learned that Bruce Willis was quarantining in Idaho with his ex-wife Demi Moore and their adult children Rumer (31), Scout (28) and Tallulah Willis (26, pictured above), keen observers noted (it was me, noted keen observer!) that it was odd that Bruce’s current wife, Emma Heming Willis and their two young daughters Mabel (8), and Evelyn (5), were nowhere to be seen. We know it wasn’t because they don’t make the family matching pajamas in toddler size because even the dogs were issued a pair. Turns out that Emma and their girls have been hunkered down in Los Angeles and Bruce has been playing house with Demi and their girls since March (timeline based on Tallulah reporting the Idaho quarantine pod had been together for 27 days sometime on or before April 7, via CNN). Now, according to People, Scout has offered up a completely believable and not at all weird explanation for why Bruce isn’t with his current family. You see, what had happened was, little Evelyn stabbed herself in the foot with a used syringe she found in the park. And you all thought some form of fuckery was afoot! Shame on you.
People reports that Scout recently appeared on an addiction podcast called Dopey, and was asked about her divorced parents’ unusual decision to quarantine together in the house they raised their kids in, far away from Bruce’s wife and daughters.
“It’s been so funny because to me they’re just like my super fucking weird parents but to everyone else, they’re at this different level,” Scout, 28, told Dave.
She continued, “It’s actually been really cool. My stepmom was supposed to come up here with my little sisters but my younger sister, who is now about to be  years old, at a park, had never gotten the talk about not fucking with hypothermic (sic) needles that she found so she actually tried to poke her shoe with it and poked her foot.”
Look, I’m good at making shit up but I’m a terrible liar. The secret to convincing lies are that they should be simple, believable, and contain as few specific details as possible (the opposite rules for making shit up). The last thing you want to do is invite a million and one follow up questions like Scout’s done right here. There’s a reason K.I.S.S. is the golden rule! Scout continued to test my credulity by adding:
“So my stepmom had to be in LA waiting to get the results from taking her to the doctor so my dad came up here and then travel got crazy so my stepmom stayed in LA with my little sisters.”
So much to unpack I don’t really know where to begin. Why was the child unsupervised at a needle park? And she poked her foot through her shoe? That takes a lot of force. Was she playing Pulp Fiction and pretending her foot was Mia Wallace’s sternum? If so, I know her dad’s in it and all, but should a 5-year-old be watching Pulp Fiction? Also, did Emma get the test results back yet? If Bruce was already in Idaho when this happened, and he’s been in Idaho since March, why didn’t he just drive his ass back to L.A. when he learned that his daughter might have contracted hepatitis or worse from stabbing herself in the foot with a used syringe? I do believe Governor Newsom would have made an exception for THEE John McClane. I’m sorry but I’m not buying any of this. Bruce and Demi are obviously back together and rehearsing a Mortal Thoughts remake. It’s the only way any of this makes sense.