Open Post: Hosted By A 25-Year-Old Can Of Chef Boyardee

April 18, 2020 / Posted by:

Chances are when it comes to eating during quarantine times, you fall into one of two categories: you’re either one of those weirdos who has spent the last few weeks brushing up on your creative cooking skills. Or, like me, you have chosen to set aside such dreams of becoming connoisseurs of fine dining and instead subsist on a diet of Chocodiles and Lean Cuisines. If you fall into the latter category, then this story is for you.

Turns out, the internet has given us exactly what we didn’t know we needed. A tour to the bottom of a can of Chef Boyardee from 1995. When I first read this headline, I immediately thought that some doomsday prophet was probably cleaning out the pantry and came across this hidden gem. And rather than putting it in a museum where it belongs, cracked it open and dove deep into a preservative-filled abyss. Turns out, I wasn’t far off.

A Twitter user by the name of Dinosaur Dracula––who appears to be a collector of 80s/90s kitsch items––started a totally random thread on Thursday, presenting the found treasure, before taking followers on a guided descent into madness. And the eloquence and sumptuous beauty of his skilled narration only made the journey that much more compelling.

I put the can opener to work, unsettled by the rust, but emboldened by the lack of noxious fumes,” the second tweet reads. “I turn the knob and wince, unable to rule out the possibility that the contents have mutated into something alive & malevolent.”

I mean, that’s absolute poetry. And honestly, what he finds probably looks a lot like what comes out of you after putting some Chef Boyardee in you. And yes, there’s something out there who’d say, “I still would.

Pic: Twitter

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