The coronavirus pandemic. It’s a horny time. And I’m about to make it far, far worse for many of you. The director of 2017’s Call Me By Your Name, Luca Guadadnino, confirmed that the sequel is still happening. And he says both Timothée Chalamet and Armie Hammer have signed on! “SPLOOSH”, replied the world. “MAMMA MIA!”, replied the Italian peach population.
Luca told the Italian publication Gay.it that, before the pandemic, he was set to visit America for a meeting with a mystery potential screenwriter. The original film’s screenwriter, James Ivory, has confirmed he won’t be returning. But now, since Luca’s in lockdown in Milan, all meetings are on hold.
“Unfortunately, everything is canceled. Of course, it’s a great pleasure to work with Timothée Chalamet, Armie Hammer, Michael Stulhbarg, Esther Garrel, and the other actors. They will all be there in the new film.”
Chalamet has long expressed interest in reprising his role as Elio Perlman, which earned him an Oscar nomination for Best Actor in 2018. The actor has said in the past the idea for the “Call Me By Your Name” sequel is to follow in the path of “Boyhood” and wait for the actors to age into the roles they need to be at for next film.
I’m down for an older Timothée in the sequel. The one “ehhh” thing in Call Me By Your Name was that Elio was 17, and Oliver was supposed to be 24. But, heroes that we are, we collectively chose to ignore that little fact and ship their hot, bathing-suit-sniffing forbidden love.
And while Timothée’s always been gung-ho for a sequel, Armie has expressed hesitation:
“[The first one] really perfect storm of so many things, that if we do make a second one, I think we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment,” Hammer said to Vulture in March 2019. “I don’t know that anything will match up to the first, you know? I mean, look. If we end up with an incredible script, and Timmy’s in, and Luca’s in, I’d be an asshole to say no. But at the same time, I’m like, that was such a special thing, why don’t we just leave that alone?”
Oh, Armie, you lunkhead. Before Call Me By Your Name, all you were good for was that shitty Johnny Depp Lone Ranger flick! Just shut up, go to Italy, and film our porn sequel!
But none of this will happen unless this corona situation gets resolved. So let’s all march to our bathrooms, scrub our hands raw and bloody for 20 straight
seconds hours, and pray for a world where a slightly older Timothée Chalamet jizzes in all kinds of new and exciting fruits. Pears! Cantaloupe! Pineapples! Ouch, maybe not pineapples, unless you’re into that sort of thing.