In these dark times, some musicians have corona-delayed their albums. Lady Gaga, Alicia Keys, Toni Braxton, even Willie Nelson. You may think, “What’s the problem, just upload that shit to the internets so I have a new soundtrack for my crying showers!” Well, the issue is publicity. All the stars want to go on The Late Late Show with James Corden and eat slug dicks so more people will download their songs. Money, baby!
But not Lindsay Lohan. LiLo is a true artiste, and for her, it’s always been about the music. Besides, she’s probably barred from most talk show sets. So fuck it! Today she released her brand new single, Back To Me.
Lindsay recently posted a teaser of the song and promised it would be out Friday. Lo(han) and behold… it’s Friday! And not even a loose Friday, aka 4:00 on Saturday morning. Real sunlight Friday! Maybe Lindsay’s team (Dina Lohan on FaceTime) pulled some trickery and told her it was due last week. That’s the only way this shit worked out.
Here’s the song:
Natural vocals, profound lyrics, catchy hook. It’s a hit, a very palpable hit! Fuck that vomit-inducing celebrity Imagine cover, THIS is the new We Are The World!
In Lindsay’s own words, Back To Me is about “rediscovering and accepting oneself, shutting out the noise and moving forward and letting the past go. Living in the now.” And just look at these lyrics:
“My life is full of ripped up pages
I’ve been weak, contagious
But I’m coming back, I’m coming back to me”
Wow. She went there, you guys! “Ripped up pages” might be an allusion to the mid-aughts, when she would destroy her Disney scripts while throwing a tantrum. “Contagious” is in reference to… you know what? It’s too easy. The point is LiLo is coming back to her!
Here’s Lindsay completing the entirety of her promotional tour in mere seconds:
So everybody’s asking me (yes, me!)… is this the big Lindsay comeback we’ve all been waiting for? It’s been teased for years. First the Liz Taylor movie, then the Oprah docu-series, and, most recently, her failed MTV reality show. Well, you know what? I’m gonna say YES. She’s back, baby (and the song is already #18 on the iTunes charts as of right now)! Because why not? If corona has taught us anything, it’s that life’s too short for pessimism and cynical thinking. And ya know what? If I’m wrong, and Lindsay crashes and burns yet again, I’ll eat my hat!
Cut to two days from now, when I’ve choked to death trying to eat my toque.