And yes, my thoughts about this are best expressed through Brad Falchuk’s “Why me?” face as Goopy Paltrow brain farts out another piece of brilliant wisdom while looking like an uppity mouse.
Since Goopy Paltrow thinks she’s the Dr. Ruth of the super rich snobby lady set, she hosted a chat with “intimacy coach” Michaela Boehm about corona quarantine fuck times in a video for Goop that is really just an insufferable infomercial for one of Michaela’s courses. One of the questions that Goopy asked is how are she and Brad supposed to hump the goop out of each other while they’re in such “close quarters” with the kids. I see all of you rolling your eyes at Goopy saying that they’re in “close quarters” in their gigantic Brentwood mansion. But honestly, living in the same universe as Goopy and Mr. Goopy is considered “close quarters.”
I tried to watch the entire video from start to finish, but between Brad looking like a constipated hostage and Goopy going on about the woes of living in a mansion, I could not do it. But the conversation is about lockdown lovin’, and Goopy asked how couples are supposed to do each other with everyone in the house together. (Brad moved in with Goopy late last year and the two live with her kids, 15-year-old Apple and 13-year-old Moses.) via The Daily Mail
“We’re lucky that we have a really solid relationship but we’re also in the house with the kids and it’s pretty close quarters.
‘I think we all feel, especially my teenagers right now, are feeling really pent in. – especially Apple who is a really social creature. We’re really following the strict guidelines so she’s not able to see people she usually sees, so it gets fractious in moments. So there’s definitely tensions in the house, and we have the added dynamic of step-parent, and I think there is quite a lot of stress that comes from trying to recalibrate to this new normal and new level of proximity.
As a couple it’s sort of like, “Where do you go as a couple when you’re all in the house and you’ve got dogs, and work, and work from home”. It’s like, “What are you supposed to do?”‘
Michaela told the coochie snake oil saleswoman that she’s just got to “compartmentalize” her house, which is a polite way of saying, “You live on a goddamn estate! Just go fuck in one of your guests houses, shit!”
Goopy then told Michaela that one of her “friends” (whose name I’m guessing rhymes with Poopy Tallhoe) isn’t feeling very sexual at the moment and is struggling with that. So she asked how her friend can get in touch with her sexuality again. I’m guessing that Goopy’s “friend” is rich like her, so doesn’t have other things to worry about like paying rent while out of a job. But Michaela gave this advice:
She told Gwyneth that ‘most women I’ve talked to are not feeling very sexual… the female body when put under stress goes into survival mode’
‘Food, comfort and eating sweets to up the body fat; most women are reporting these are the things they want to do. They don’t want so much pleasure. Opening to pleasure leads to all others sorts of emotions. It’s fairly normal for women to have emotional response in the context of sexual pleasure and orgasm, crying, even anger things like that.’
She added that in a few weeks ‘boredom will kick in’ and the need to seek pleasure will come back. She advised people to ‘engage with their senses’ and remember to indulge in ‘self care, beauty, which isn’t frivolous at a time like this, dressing in ways that feel particularly good and making the extra effort.’
Even enjoying the ‘sensual enjoyment of a cup of tea or food’ can help she advised.
A cup of tea?! The hell kind of advice is that? Fucking a cup of tea is no fun. Trust me I’ve tried. I mean, a cup of Tension Tamer is pretty sexy.
Michaela also peddled some “pleasure course” she sells online that women can do in lockdown. You can buy Michaela’s pleasure course, or you can get pleasure the way that I do these days, which is to go onto Target’s website, search for Lysol products, and just refresh until one becomes available and buy it fast!
But back to that close quarters thing. It makes sense and Goopy is just being considerate, because imagine if you were one of her kids. Even the slightest sound of Goopy and Brad letting out an orgasm holler as they falchuck would cause anybody’s soul to shrivel up. And not only that, but when Brad and Goopy get into some foreplay, she could get mega heated in the loins, which could cause her jade coochie egg to shoot out so hard that it’d bust through a wall. And nobody wants to get hit with that!
And here’s the full video of Goopy and Brad talking to Michaela who is sitting in front of a gorgeous garden of dick, ball, and hole plants: