Chris Cuomo Says His COVID-19 Chills Were So Bad He Chipped A Tooth

April 2, 2020 / Posted by:

COVID-19 has got Chris Cuomo fucked up, but not so fucked up that he’s stopped anchoring his CNN show Cuomo Prime Time from his basement. Yesterday, Chris offered up a little insight on what it’s like inside Club COVID. No surprise, it’s wiggity wiggity wack. It’s hot, sweaty, the emergency exits are all blocked and the DJ sucks. Chris said he was up all night with a 103 degree fever and had the chills so bad he chipped a tooth. He also reported having a conversation with his father who’s been dead since 1994, adding “I’ve had a lot of weird experiences in my life with health and everything else, (but) I’ve never had anything like what haunted me last night with this virus.” Jesus, you’d think this place would have been shut down before it even opened, but they just keep letting more and more people in!

Chris has been self quarantining in his basement away from his family since he tested positive earlier this week. On yesterday’s show he said he was up all night with something called “the rigors” and the way he said it, you could tell he wishes he could punch them shits in the teeth. Instead, they punched him in his teeth. The Washington Post reports:

“This virus came at me. I’ve never seen anything like it,” Cuomo said, telling viewers that he was racked with a fever of around 103 degrees “that wouldn’t quit.”

“It was like somebody was beating me like a piñata,” he continued. “And I was shivering so much … I chipped my tooth.”

He also detailed a fever dream he had, which as far as fever dreams go, actually sounds pretty tame. There were zero talking urethrae in Chris’ dream. WAPO notes that “doctors anticipate he may experience similarly harrowing episodes anywhere between five to eight more times as he continues to fight off the virus,” so plenty more chances for Chris to to get yelled at by a quivering pee-pee hole.

“My dad was talking to me,” a wide-eyed Cuomo said, referring to his late father, former New York governor and revered Democratic Party figure Mario Cuomo, who died in January 2015. “I was seeing people from college, people I haven’t seen in forever. It was freaky what I lived through last night, and it may happen again tonight.”

“Anybody who’s ever seen me spar will tell you my first round is never my best, and this has proven no different with coronavirus,” he said. “I’ve never experienced any kind of fever like what I have going on all the time, and the body aches and the tremors and the concern about not being able to do anything about it. I totally get why so many are so scared all over this country.”

Here’s Chris talking about his wild night at Club COVID.

No thanks, I will stay my ass at home and recreate Club 96 from the comfort of my own closet. Of course Chris, with his basement that looks more like a mid-range Airbnb rental, is admittedly, relatively blessed. He reports that his wife and kids have all tested negative and the only interaction he has with them is when his wife, “outfitted in a mask and gloves,” leaves a tray for him at the top of the basement stairs. And he must know how to do his own hair and makeup because he looks pretty robust for somebody who was up all night gnashing his teeth and dancing with ghosts like a mid-aughts Lindsay Lohan. Here’s Chris’ full segment.

Pic: CNN via Twitter

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