Open Post: Hosted By Britney Spears Claiming She Beat Usain Bolt’s 100-Meter World Record

March 26, 2020 / Posted by:

Back in 2009, Usain Bolt set the record for the 100-meter dash at the Berlin World Athletics Championships. Usain did it in 9.58 seconds. Well, Britney Spears claimed to have shattered the fuck out of Usain’s record by doing it in under 6 seconds! You better sprint, bitch!

Britney hopped on Instagram to show us her grand achievement of taking Usain Bolt down. It seems the coronavirus quarantine has turned Britney Spears into the bionic woman! According to Brit Bolt, she has run the 100-meter dash before and her usual time is 6 or 7 seconds, and she pretty much beat Usain in her first try. In related news, every professional runner in the world just announced that they will not be at next year’s Summer Olympics (if it happens) and are retiring from the game, because why bother when Brit Brit’s got them?!

For the record, I completely believe Sprintney Spears and don’t at all think she meant the 10-meter dash (to Starbucks). She got her bum-knee replaced with a bionic part and now she’s a beast. And I bet that her man gets her to run extra fast by dangling a Frapp on a string in front of her.

We’ve been seeing a cosmic shift in Britney Spears. Britney posted about the redistribution of wealth and now she’s become the fastest person on the planet! Peak physical prowess and a grip of Marxist theory? Brit Brit is turning into a pop star Black Widow.


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