No Surprise But Woody Allen’s Book Sounds Gross

Woody Allen’s memoir Apropos of Nothing: I’m a Disgusting Pig And Here’s Why (ok, just the first part), was ultimately published, as we always knew would be the case. Like a dog who’s grabbed a putrefied half-eaten burrito off the street, Hachette, the book’s original intended publisher, dropped it after its employees, Ronan Farrow and Dylan Farrow, all yelled BAD DOG and gave a sharp tug on the leash! Which was the perfect opportunity for Arcade publishing to swoop in and snatch it up. Now that it’s out there, we have the opportunity to peek inside to see if those were moldy black beans coming out of it, or if it was actually human feces! The answer, it seems, is both.

According to Page Six, Woody has no regrets. Apparently, not even about having written the words “we couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” when talking about his relationship with his current wife, Soon-Yi Previn. You know, his previous partner’s daughter!

A bitter Woody Allen blasts his ex-girlfriend Mia Farrow for her “Ahab-like quest” to destroy him with sex abuse allegations and describes his romance with his current wife, Soon-Yi Previn, in graphic terms in his new memoir.

“At the very early stages of our new relationship, when lust reigns supreme … we couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” Allen writes of Previn in “Apropos of Nothing,” which came out Monday to little fanfare.

Woody’s so delusional that he thinks that swearing he and Mia Farrow “were basically apart” when he started having sex with her daughter, makes it any less despicable. For Woody, it’s a classic tale of the dick wants what the dick wants #noregrets.

He recalled the day Farrow learned of the affair after discovering erotic photographs of her 20-something daughter at Allen’s apartment.

“Of course I understand her shock, her dismay, her rage, everything,” he said. “It was the correct reaction.”

But he also expressed no regret.

“Sometimes, when the going got rough and I was maligned everywhere, I was asked if I had known the outcome, do I ever wish I never took up with Soon-Yi? I always answered I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

Woody also said that the decision to marry Soon-Yi was “strictly financial.” He wanted to make sure she gets all his money when he eventually dies, adding “I knew I was much older and could drop dead at a moment’s notice.” (C’mon 2020, sounds like an invitation to me) Page Six reports that Woody and Soon-Yi had “a very quiet and private wedding in Venice, Italy in December 1997.”

“As practical as our reason for marrying was, the wedding was very romantic,” he said, adding that the mayor was going to marry them secretly in an office and only in front of Allen’s sister and his close friend. Likening himself to James Bond, Allen explains that he left the hotel separately from Previn and took a gondola “through the canals and backwaters” to get to the wedding location.

Trust me, this is all very normal when you are trying to marry your wife’s daughter. It has been done like this since the middle ages. Granted, it was much more common during those times. But lest you think Woody’s book is all about incest logistics, he’s also got jokes. When the press got wind of the marriage, Woody says he “looked under the bed before we consummated the marriage,” and that the news “had little effect on the stock market, although Xanax went up ten points.” Get it? Xanax sales went up! No, this is a serious question, do you get it? Because I don’t. Will somebody please explain this joke, and then explain this book, and then explain Woody Allen’s continued cultural contributions to me? Because I don’t get it.

Pic: Wenn.com