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March 19, 2020 / Posted by:

Ore-Ida Funky Fries!

At the top of the early-aughts, Heinz Kraft decided that what we really needed to fill our mouths with was ketchup that look like Barney’s nut load. They put out Heinz EZ Squirt colored ketchup that was just like regular ketchup but came in different colors such as Funky Purple (Barney’s Nut Load), Blastin’ Green (Shrek’s Jizz), and Stellar Blue (Papa Smurf’s Spunk). Since it was a semi-hit for them, they followed that up by giving the people blue fries to dip their green ketchup in. They put out Funky Fries, and achieved the impossible by making delicious fries look like something pulled out of Satan’s ass.

Ore-Ida Funky Fries were released by Kraft Heinz in 2002 and came in five flavors: Cinna-sticks, Cocoa Crispers, Crunchy Rings, Kool Blue, and Sour Cream & Jive (insert ALLTHEGROANS here). Those Cinna-sticks look like some gross thing I’d come up with at home if I was craving churros and only had an olg bag of fries and some cinnamon. Those Cocoa Crispers look like the fingers of Lucifer after butt banging a trick with dirty ass, and the rest are just as much of a NO from me. But on a positive note, at least Lipps Inc. got some money thanks to the commercial.

Funky Fries only lasted in stores for about a year. And well, if they were still around today, we’d still be using a Motorola Razr instead of an iPhone, NSYNC would still be terrorizing our ears on the regular and corona wouldn’t exist, because we’d all be stuck in 2003. I mean, Funky Fries were never meant to make it out of the early-aughts

Pic: Kraft Heinz

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