*Disclaimer: No 2014 era Ben Afflecks were harmed in this incident.
According to CNN, Disney’s Jungle Cruise tanked and it hasn’t even hit theaters yet, but it did apparently hit rock bottom. One of the Jungle Cruise boats at Disney World started taking on water and all the passengers had to be “rescued” out of 12 inches of murky Florida pond water. Disney just hiked up the prices at Disneyland and at Disney World, but I guess the extra cash is being spent on upgrades to the cryogenic tank for Walt Disney’s head instead of on park maintenance. If Disney had any integrity whatsoever they’d fill Walt’s head tank with Jungle Cruise water just to prove it’s safe.
The Jungle Cruise ride has been around since 1971 and, if memory serves, used to be low key racist. Now it’s trying to kill people. According to CNN:
The ride takes passengers on an adventure through the world’s exotic rivers with a humorous skipper as the guide. But around noon, one of the boats started taking on water while passengers were on board.
Matthew Vince, who was on the ride, said more than a foot of water flooded the boat.
The boat “went from floating to sunk in about a minute,” Vince told CNN affiliate WPTV. “Everyone was fine and we were rescued in about 20 minutes.”
The ride reopened around 2:30 p.m., according to WPTV.
CNN says that although nobody was injured, the fire department was called out to the scene. Here’s a look at the mayhem.
RIP Jungle Cruise 🙁 pic.twitter.com/K1p8GQXR89
— Y Have Feet Fetish When U Could Have Yeet Fetish? (@nahtanoJcimsoC) February 27, 2020
Go to Disney world they said, go on jungle cruise they said. 🌈 pic.twitter.com/CNyMAr2f4Q
— Michael Farnham (@Mikeyy_29) February 28, 2020
i cant believe one of the jungle cruise boats sunk yesterday i am losing my mind over this lmao pic.twitter.com/k3kIiJndfz
— el (@sansamarch) February 28, 2020
We Condemn @WaltDisneyWorld for allowing a boat to sink at their Jungle Cruise attraction. They put their guests in danger with so many carnivorous animals along the shores. pic.twitter.com/PCIF5O2imU
— ▵ The IllumiNation ▵ (@JoinTheINation) February 27, 2020
Disney, being the cheap bastards they are, probably just offered these guests a free pair of Minnie Mouse slippers and a churro for their troubles. But if it were me on that boat, I’d be screaming “my eyes, they burn!” and hopping on the Dark Web post haste searching for vials of contaminated water for my imminent lawsuit. The more Guinea worms, leptospira and giardiasis the better.