It’s finally happening! The #TheUpRiXing is upon us, let us feast on the souls of the The Bored and bathe in the blood of the gatekeepers of beauty. In the name of *checks notes* Tookie De La Crème, let us rejoice. Tickets are now on sale for Tyra Bank’s long ballyhooed Modelland. We were promised fantasy, wizardry and pizzaz! We were promised a narrative, an incoherent and demented one to be sure, but a narrative all the same. Glamour, yeah, we were promised that too. But that’s not what we’re getting. Judging by Modelland’s announcement on Instagram, what we’re getting is lazy waacking and lots of shouting in an unfinished warehouse space. Worst of all is the price tag. It’s gonna cost you $59 just to walk through the door. And Tyra still hasn’t even shown us what’s behind door #1. I have a feeling it’s a card table stacked with a bunch of unsold copies of Tyra’s self-published book.
If you want all the bells and whistles, that’s going to be extra. A “fantascene photoshoot” (NOT A TYPO) will set you back $549. And if you still don’t like the way you look, you can go for the “fantascene dream” which includes a “hand-crafted ModelLand elixir and an assortment of artisanal truffles,” plus a robe. That one’s $1,495. Yes, in American dollars! Imagine buying your $59 Modelland ticket and opening up the door to be greeted by this motley crew.
I’m almost certain this is the staff of Modelland in its entirety. Here’s a closer look at what’s inside. This should have a disclaimer that none of this video was actually filmed on location inside Modelland, but I’m pretty sure Modelland’s lawyer cashed their retainer check and skipped town.
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At ModelLand, be discovered. Be you. Be bold. A place where we reject the beauty standards of yesterday, and show that fashion and #PHIierce are NOT restricted to one type of body or person. When you join us in our world of experiential theater, we teach you how to make every hallway a runway, every glance a #Smize, and prove that all eyes and cameras are on YOU. #ModelLand #beDiscovered
We know Tyra has yet to sell 500 tickets to Modelland because she’s doing a special promotion. Whoever buys the 500th ticket gets a FaceTime call with Tyra. Plus she’s sending a glam team? To your house?! Will they spritz me with eau de desperation?
⚠️ The 500th person to buy a @ModelLand ticket by 10pmEST tonight will get a FaceTime call from me to give you an H to T (head to toe) makeover and send a glam team TO YOU to get it done 💛💛 Link to tickets in bio! pic.twitter.com/7W7CCt4heq
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) February 25, 2020
Also, if you buy the Modelland chocolate bar with a golden ticket inside, you win Modelland*! The whole thing! Even the unsold books and cartons of burnt out light bulbs Tyra’s assistant hasn’t taken to the recycling center yet because they went on lunch break two days ago and never came back.
*winner also takes on any outstanding debts and is liable for any future or ongoing legal action