And now, in sports… WAIT! Don’t click away! It’s about dick! Although, it’s not a good dick story. A French football (or soccer to some) player got suspended for biting his opponent’s penis. According to local news outlet Lorraine Actu (via Sports Illustrated), the penis biting occurred during an amateur game between SC Terville and AS Soetrich (neither team pictured, those are totally different teams, so apologies to that soccer penis), soccer clubs in Lorraine, France. Two players began fighting on the pitch (translation: the green part), and a Terville player jumped in to break it up. Well, this peacemaker may regret not staying out of it, because that’s when a Soetrich player chomped down on his dick.
The victim, who has not been named, went to the ER, where he got a dozen stitches and a doctor’s note saying he can’t go to work for four days. Only four days?? If someone tried to Lorena Bobbit my (phantom) dick with their teeth, I would require a year’s medical leave. And, because I’m Canadian, I would likely get it.
The penis biter, who was also not named, was suspended from soccer for five years, and his club was fined €200. But it doesn’t look like there were any legal consequences to the assault. Also weirdly enough, the victim and his team were also punished. He was suspended until June and his team was also fined €200. The same amount as the dick biting team! Alright, France. You do you.
This story is salacious, but not totally surprising. Sports are already super violent and homo-erotic; this guy just took it to the next level. I do have a couple questions though, logistically speaking. Wasn’t the dick hidden in lil’ soccer shorts? How did the dick biter get ahold of the dick long enough to bite it? Or was he just biting around the crotch area? Sigh. Guess I’ll have to wait for the inevitable porn adaptation.