Believe it or not, but THE QUEEN has other grandchildren besides Prince Hot Ginge and his brother (“And us! And us!“, squealed two ugly hats in a field of tumbleweeds). THE QUEEN’s eldest grandchild is Peter Phillips, the 42-year-old, no title-having son of Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips. And it has been announced that he and his wife of 12 years, 41-year-old Autumn Phillips, are getting a divorce. And Autumn is from Canada, so there was a rumor she was going to flee back to her homeland. But don’t worry Canada, you don’t have to worry about your land getting overrun by royals and their security paid for by you, because Autumn is staying in England.
Peter and Autumn, who is a management consultant, met at the Formula 1 Canadian Grand Prix in Montreal in 2003, and got married at St George’s Chapel in 2008. They have two daughters: 9-year-old Scene Stealer Savannah and 7-year-old Isla. The Sun was first to put out a story claiming that Peter and Autumn were done, and because the British tabloids need to slather every royal story with a thick layer of BLAME MEGHAN, they claimed that Autumn started singing a melancholy cover of me Take Me With U when PHG and Meghan escaped to Canada (which, let’s be real, is just a smoke screen stop-off before their real destination of Hollywood). The Sun’s sources say that Autumn is thinking about going back to Canada and taking her daughters, who have dual citizenship, with her. And that was one of the reasons why she quit Peter’s ass out of nowhere:
One pal revealed: “Peter is absolutely devastated by this and just didn’t see it coming.
“He thought he was happily married and had the perfect family with two lovely daughters. But he is now in total shock.
“Autumn is a wonderful wife and mother and a very intelligent woman but she’s been telling her friends for some time that there were issues.
So because of that story, Peter and Autumn released a statement today, confirming that they are done with being married to each other. They also spit at the rumor that she will soon star in Escape To Canada 2: Autumn’s Back, Bitch.
“As both Peter and Autumn are not senior members of the Royal Family, it was not felt necessary to formally announce their separation last year. However in light of media commentary the following statement is issued; after informing HM The Queen and members of both families last year, Peter and Autumn jointly agreed to separate.
They had reached the conclusion that this was the best course of action for their two children and ongoing friendship. The decision to divorce and share custody came about after many months of discussions and although sad, is an amicable one. The couple’s first priority will remain the continued wellbeing and upbringing of their wonderful daughters Savannah (nine) and Isla (seven). Both families were naturally sad at the announcement, but fully supportive of Peter and Autumn in the joint decision to co parent their children.
“Both Peter and Autumn have remained in Gloucestershire to bring up their two children where they have been settled for a number of years. Peter and Autumn have requested privacy and compassion for their children while the family continues to adapt to these changes.”
Peter and Autumn have gotten shit from the press before. They were the Poundland version of PHG and Meghan before PHG and Meghan ever existed. Peter got shit for using his royal connections to get a check for shilling leche in China, and they both got shit got doing a spread in Hello! Magazine for £500,000.
Apparently, Autumn is one of THE QUEEN’s favorites, so she’s upset by this news. And it’s just another thing for her to deal with on top of the whole Prince Andrew mess and her biggest crowd pleasers leaving her. But you know, with PHG, Meghan, and Autumn not being around as much, that’s three less names for THE QUEEN to remember. When you’re 93 years old and drunk on gin, the last thing you want to do is try to remember the name of one of your 1,469,999 family members at a family event. Oh, what I’m saying? She doesn’t call any of them by name. She just barks, “Hey arsehole! No, the other arsehole. Come kiss the ring, trick!”