Picture it. Northridge, 2020. An nymph, sporting a ponytail the size of an elephant’s trunk and painted an almost offensive shade of fake tanner, walks into a bar with friends. She orders herself a water, plops down in a booth, and proceeds to make out with a mystery dude.
“So what?”, you say. “Replace water with seven tequila shots, and the make out with an under the table hand job, and you’ve just described my last four Saturdays.” Well, what if I told you that the woman in the story was Ariana Grande? PIKACHU MEME FACE.
TMZ reports that Ariana was seen sucking face with an unnamed man (he probably has an identity, but he’s not famous, so what’s the point?) at a bar in Northridge, CA on Saturday. He arrived with Ariana’s entourage around 1 in the morning, and they all left a half hour later. Says TMZ:
Our sources tell us there was a DJ nearby who was actually playing Ariana’s song, “God is a Woman,” right around the same time she was there. We’re told AG asked the guy to switch up the tunes … she didn’t wanna hear her own song.
I don’t blame Ariana for not wanting to hook up to her own music. That would be like me bringing a guy home and playing some of my incredibly sad voice memos. Sorry, but hearing my own annoying voice say, “Believe in yourself, girl! Time to go back to therapy. And pay your goddamn utility bills!”, just doesn’t get me there.
Here’s the thrilling stalker video:
Last we heard, Ariana was dating Social House’s Mikey Foster (don’t worry, none of those words made sense to me either). But that didn’t really seem to go anywhere. Well, good on Ari for enjoying single life. But if she’s getting serious with this dude, then I hope Ariana made sure that he’s not the type to lose it and scream when he rolls over on pig shit in the bed in the middle of the night. Ariana’s pig child Piggy Smalls doesn’t deserve that kind of stress. But wait, if he doesn’t scream after rolling over on pig shit in the bed, maybe that’s a red flag too?