On Saturday, THE QUEEN decided to fuck up the weekend of every British tabloid editor by announcing some details in Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s exit from professional royal life. PHG and Meghan will no longer get money from the Sovereign Grant (but Prince Charles will continue to Venmo their allowance each month), they’ll have to pay back the renovations that were done at their home in England Frogmore Cottage, they’ll have to pay rent for Frogmore Cottage, and they will keep the HRH title but can’t use it. All of that will go into effect in Spring 2020 (and reportedly be up for review a year later). But in the meantime, it was business as usual for PHG and last night, he showed up to a dinner in London for his mental health and pediatric HIV charity Sentebale and spoke under an old set piece from Midsommar. Most of PHG’s speech was about him and Meghan sliding down the emergency exit slide out of the royal family. And as he did that, I’m sure the anti-Meghan conspiracy theorists watched his blinks to see if he was blinking “heeeeeeeelp me” in Morse code.
As Meghan was back in Vancouver, e-mailing landlords of waterfront mansions to see if they’ll trade a sponsored Instagram post for rent, PHG started his speech by hugging England before subtly defending Meghan against those who say she dragged his ass all the way to Canada. via Variety
Before I begin, I must say I can only imagine what you may have heard or read over the past few weeks. So, I want you to hear the truth from me, as much as I can share, not as a prince or a duke but as Harry, the same person many of you have watched grow up over the past 35 years, but now with a clearer perspective.
The U.K. is my home and a place that I love, and that will never change. I’ve grown up feeling supported from so many of you and I watched as you welcomed Meghan with open arms, as you saw me find the love and happiness I hoped for all my life. Finally the second son of Diana got hitched – hurray!
I also know you’ve come to know me well enough over all these years to trust that the woman I chose as my wife upholds the same values as I do – and she does. And she’s the same woman I fell in love with. We both do everything we can to fly the flag and carry out our roles for this country with pride.
PHG then went on to say that even though the rollout of them pulling out of royal life was messier than my chonies whenever I think of PHG pulling out, they planned it for months, and it brings him the sads, but he had no other choice. He also mentioned that he and Meghan wanted to be volunteer royals, meaning do royal duties for free, but that wasn’t an option.
Once Meghan and I were married, we were excited, we were hopeful and we were here to serve. For those reasons, it brings me great sadness that it has come to this. The decision that I have made for my wife and I to step back is not one I made lightly. It was so many months of talks after so many years of challenges. And I know I haven’t always gotten it right, but as far as this goes, there really was no other option.
What I want to make clear is we’re not walking away and we certainly aren’t walking away from you. Our hope was to continue serving the Queen, the Commonwealth and my military association, without public funding. Unfortunately, that was impossible. I’ve accepted this, knowing it doesn’t change who I am or how committed I am, but I hope that will help you understand what it had come to: that I would step my family back from all I have ever known, to take a step forward into what I hope will be a more peaceful life.
PHG said that he will still service the people (wink wink):
I was born into this life and it is a great honor to serve my country and the Queen. When I lost my mum 23 years ago, you took me under your wing. You looked out for me for so long but the media is a powerful force and my hope is, one day, our collective support for each other can be more powerful because this is so much bigger than just us.
It has been our privilege to serve you and we will continue to lead a life of service, so in that respect, nothing changes. It has also been a privilege to meet so many of you and feel your excitement for our son Archie, who saw snow for the first time and thought it was bloody brilliant.
He ended his speech by saying that he still has major respect for THE QUEEN and will continue to love England. Here’s the whole thing:
It seemed to me like PHG was trying to shush the talk that Yoko Meghan is the evil mastermind behind all of this. It worked! The comments in that post range from people making fun of that second video of Pimp Daddy Hot Ginge orchestrating Meghan’s Disney deal to others marveling at how long Meghan’s arms are since it seems like she’s firmly holding onto his freckled huevos all the way from Canada. All this talk about Meghan having PHG by the royal balls is making me want to move to Vancouver, get a job as a manicurist, and pray that Meghan comes into my salon, so that I can grasp her hands and let the essence of hot ginge nuts seep into my skin… right before her security moose kicks me into the Pacific.